We get into so many messes with people pleasing, don’t we? I am writing thank you notes right now for a committee for an event my son didn’t even end up attending.

The insidious reason we people please? Control. We want to control other people’s opinions of ourselves. We want them to like us whether we are really being ourselves or not. That’s not a nice thing to admit to yourself.

We are so afraid they won’t like us if we tell the truth and be authentic.

But truth and authenticity are where the real relationships reside.

Many of us have a people pleasing habit. We don’t even notice we are doing it.

This week, before you say yes, think about your motives. Do you really want to do this? Is this a way of showing love that you want to do? Or are you just worried someone will get mad or not like you if you say no?

If you are people pleasing, then here are some ideas on How to Say No.

***

Photo by Noel Zia

This was one of my tips this week and I had a question – how do you do that?

A lot of great givers are lousy at receiving.

Why do we give? It makes us feel great and we hope the person we are giving to feel great.

So what happens if you are sick and a friend wants to come over and do some laundry. And you go, "No that’s ok. We’ll be fine." The would be giver feels let down because they don’t have a chance to give.

Why are so many of us bad receivers?

• We don’t want to be a burden
• We don’t want to have to need anyone
• We want to be independant
• We don’t want to owe anyone
• Letting someone help is a loss of control
• Pride
• We don’t want to be seen as pitied or weak

But, accepting help and asking for help is as important as giving help. Relationships are built on give and take. People feel good when you ask their advice. And most people like to help others. You are depriving them of the opportunity to be generous when you rebuff their offers to help. Accepting help creates a support system and community.

So this week, if someone offers to help try saying, "Why thank you. I would really appreciate that." Deal with the uncomfortable feelings that may come up and keep reminding yourself that you are helping others as well when you receive kindly.

In the last post The Power of a Mood I asked you to become aware of what energy your are bringing to your home. As parents we can affect the whole house. What if the energy you brought the the house was more frantic than you would like. How can you bring more peace to your house?

• Watch the self talk – awfulizing, generalizing and time scarcity thoughts create frantic actions
• Give yourself a 1 minute time out to breathe
• Take a walk around your house looking at the flowers or whatever before coming into the house
• Practice looking at the good in people and situations
• Go upstairs to get the kids instead of yelling up the stairs
• Find a few minutes to center yourself every day whether it’s prayer, meditation, yoga

• Listen with eyes and ears as much as possible.
• Give yourself 1/2 hour to wind down before bed so you can actually sleep
• Pause for grace before dinner
• Remember, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" during conflicts
• Listen carefully to how you speak
• See when you are the most frantic and problem solve – find different routines, get started earlier, plan ahead
• Respond thoughtfully instead of reacting
• Play soft music sometimes

Of course none of us are going to bring peaceful energy all the time, so be gentle with yourself as well.

 ***
Photo by KH Rawlings

Usually I am pretty calm and easy-going. But, the other day I looked up from my computer and realized I needed to be someplace right about then. So I start running around, acting agitated. Things were flying. I think I hit every room in the bottom floor of the house in a few seconds.

My husband is watching all this then asks why. I see my agitation affecting his energy as well.

We don’t realize how much power we have in our homes. One amped up parent can create havoc in the whole home. When we run around frantic, we put everyone on edge.

I know there have been instances where I can feel the energy leave the room as a certain person enters.

I remember when my kids were smaller, the more I hurried them the more stressed out everyone acted. Actually the same thing happens now that they are teens.

Today, notice how you are affecting the energy in your home.

Today is snow day part 2. Since I work from home, technically I could still get work done. But, on snow days, not much work seems to get done with the kids both home.

My daughter and I had a dance party to get my exercise in. We bought some presents online. Read the cards we’ve gotten so far. Had a TV/movie marathon. And I got extra reading time in.

Today I slept in and I think we’ll make some real hot chocolate. Snow days are rare in Michigan – though snow isn’t – so I plan on enjoying my hibernation time with my family.

***

Photo by Kat Mere

Today was a gorgeous 74 degree day with a light breeze. The kids and I saw tons of people on our walk.

I also saw something that surprised me. Many of those people were talking on their cell phones completely ignoring the people they were with. Most which looked annoyed. Kids trying to talk to moms who aren’t listening. Wives walking besides husbands who are listening to someone else. Husbands being ignored by wives chatting on the phone. Friends walking together, but one of them is talking on the phone.

I know once in awhile an emergency or quick phone call comes in. But, this many?

It was sad to watch so much disconnection with technology that is supposed to connect people.