Archive for Relationships
What Relationships Do You Want to Nurture?
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I believe one of the best ways to get to the core of what’s important to you and to travel the road towards simplicity is to ask the right questions. So I am starting a series called Moving Towards Simplicity. You can answer these questions in your journal, in the comments below or at the MySimplerLife Facebook page.
Question #10:
What Relationships Do You Want to Nurture?
Some people are more supportive or more important to you in your life. You can’t be close friends with the whole world. So what relationships do you want to nurture?
I want to nurture relationships with my daughter, husband, parents, sister, in-laws, cousin, L, M, S, G and a few others.
How about you? I want to nurture these relationships…
She Serves What?
Posted by: | CommentsI just found out that an older lady I know, who is extremely smart and I’ve always looked up to, can’t cook. And she serves canned vegetables.
I was delighted. Now she is more accessible to me.
And the camaraderie. I cook simple food, because I am not talented in the kitchen. I love the show, "Worst Cooks in America." In many ways, I relate.
I also haven’t figured out how to use my sewing machine which I’ve owned for years.
What do you think will happen if you let people in enough to see that you aren’t perfect?
From what I’ve seen, the most likely outcome is a closer relationship.
The Friends and Family Plan
Posted by: | CommentsAs an introvert, I can go for months before I realize I haven’t connected with a friend or family member. Grandma has been known to say, "I can never get a hold of you."
So now in my calendar I have times to call my Mom, Grandma and Sister so I connect regularly.
I also have time on my calendar to plan time with friends. And I have a friends list where I keep people I want to keep in touch with. Don’t think you need a friend’s list? Have you ever realized a year has gone by and you haven’t gotten together with a friend? If people are important to you why not make it easier to stay connected?
This also helps with aquaintances that you would love to turn into friends. Studies show that the more people get together, the sooner they become closer friends. Even if it’s in a group. Who would you love to become closer with?
When we get busy, hanging out with friends is often the first thing to go. I like to have standing dates to get together with someone every other week for coffee. Or a monthly walking date with someone. It helps with the back and forth of planning time together.
And you can add friends to things you are doing anyway – exercising, eating, shopping, socializing after a meeting you have to attend.
For those of you already naturally sociable, how do you stay connected with the ones you love?
Planning Valentine’s Day
Posted by: | CommentsJust a reminder to plan valentine’s day. Here are some ideas:
http://www.encouragingcoach.com/articles/plan-valentines-day.htm
Who Wants to Be A Martyr?
Posted by: | CommentsDoes it sometimes feel like you are the only person doing work in the house? Do you feel resentful that other people play while you do nothing but work? Do you find yourself nagging and complaining?
Oops, you may have slipped into martyrdom.
Usually one of two things are going on:
1) You are overlooking what other people are contributing to the household. The other day my husband had spent the entire day after work fixing a plumbing problem. The next day I saw I was doing dishes, laundry and making dinner at the same time. And I started to get annoyed. Until I remembered just the day before he was working a lot longer than I was.
2) You have taken on the work yourself. You don’t want to be bothered with getting the family to help out.You do it yourself while seething. So you play martyr. It does take time and energy to get a family to help out. But it is important for them and you. Maybe you need another family meeting where you show all the chores you are doing and say you will have more energy and not be such a nag if others would help out. And let them pick which chores they want to do. Or you may have to do something drastic like go on strike.
At this point, a client will usually say, "But I’ve tried everything and I can’t get any help." When we did deeper it is more like I tried this and this and this for two days and it didn’t work so I gave up. Or I complained so much about how my kids and husband were doing their chores, they quit.
The most important things to getting a family to help out:
Consistency
They don’t just help out on chores when you get fed up and start yelling. Every day they know they have chore time. And if they don’t do there chores, you won’t take them to where they want to go.
Ownership
They all live in the house, so they should contribute. Give them the feeling it is their home to. It’s not just mom that gets embarassed if the house is a mess when people arrive.
And allow them to take ownership of the work they do. Let them choose a time that works best for them (reasonably). Don’t redo their work. Use a method of teaching that goes beyond "Clean your room." Try they way they do in the medical field. Show – instruct – do it together – supervised practice – loose supervised practiced till proficient.
Make it Fun
Put on music while you clean. Make doing dishes together a time to connect. Race to see who can pick up their area the fastest. Switch around how you pick chores once in awhile to keep things fresh. Keep your attitude light-hearted – you are training them to either hate or enjoy home care.
How will you share the load this week?
Simple Communication
Posted by: | CommentsGina asks, "Hi Beth, any tips for simplicity when crafting email communication or when communicating ideas verbally?"
The two most important things are to be straight and to be clear.
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Be Straight
When I was first married I communicated mainly by hinting. Yes, that was frustrating. Especially when communicating with the male species, hinting is not optimal. "It’s hot in here," doesn’t necessarily mean someone is going to turn on a fan. "Could you please turn on the fan for me" works much better. Even if they say no, then you can get up and turn on the fan instead of waiting for someone to get the hint.
Don’t think, "If they loved me, they would just know what I want." That’s a lovely sentiment but not based in reality. Because someone can’t read your mind does not mean they don’t love you. Experiment with assuming they love you and try asking for what you want. You may be pleasantly surprised.
If you want to cancel something, cancel it without being wishy-washy. I much prefer people that say, "I think I am ready to go on my own without coaching." then people that just stop paying and showing up for calls. The second way wastes my time and energy. The first lets us create a plan for them to start being accountable to themselves and we can get complete.
If someone asks you do something you don’t want to, but you say yes anyway, you become resentful. This does not make for a good relationship. Be honest. Most people prefer you being honest with them because a lot of people aren’t. People are tired of games and having to guess what people really think. Be real and you get real relationships.
There is no reason you can’t be honest and kind. You can practice tact. Each person responds differently so you may need different approaches. "This sounds like a wonderful program. And I have hit my maximum projects right now. I wish you the best with this." "I have appreciated working with you. And I have decided to go with someone (closer, more available in my time frame). I will be on the look out for people that are your perfect fit so I can refer them to you." "Since I value our marriage so much, I need to let you know that I need a few hours to myself every week because I am feeling frazzled. How can we work that out?"
Don’t assume you know what other people are thinking. If you are unsure, ask them. If you didn’t understand their question, ask them. Let people know it is safe for them to be honest and straight with you as well. (That means no flying off the handle, acting like a martyr or giving the silent treatment.)
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Be Clear
This requires you to know exactly what you want before you can convey it to someone else. Before you talk/call/email stop for a second to see what you need from this exchange or what you want to communicate. Then say or write it with the fewest words possible that still show the meaning.
Often people start talking or writing something, but they get into tangents until the real message is obscured.
Usually it’s best to keep to one action request per email, but if there is more then make sure you number the action requests.
Put the action in the subject line:
To Approve: Newsletter for Thursday
To Review and Sign off on by Friday: Acme Project Plan
RSVP: Daniel’s Graduation Party June 18
Have Betty pick out birthday dinner for upcoming visit
Need Marie’s phone number
FYI Only: July 2 Knitting Group notes
Before sending an email, quick re-read it to make sure it is clear and straight. And ask if the person would have more questions after reading it. A few seconds of re-reading can save many back and forth emails.
If it’s something that requires a lot of back and forth a call or instant message is better than email.
Think before diving into communication so you can be as clear, straight and effective as possible.
Riot
Posted by: | CommentsViolence came to visit my home. And I see it in the riots in Greece and Vancouver. The out of control beating up of people because someone is feeling "dissed". The flash mob robberies of stores.
People feel that other people are taking something from them, so they feel entilted to take and destroy.
And this comes out in little ways – pushing/cutting in a line, not listening with eyes of disdain at someone from a different political party, raging at a slow driver ahead of your car.
"Self importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it – what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone."
Carlos Castaneda
It’s time to stop allowing ourselves to be pitted against one another.
We need to be a society of creators and helpers, not a society consumed with buying, gossip and entertainment.
What could you create if you turned off the TV for the night? Who could you help, if you got off the computer? Who could you build up and mentor if you had one less shopping trip a week?
Who do you want to be in this world? A negative, energy drainer? Or one that brings light and love to others?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. It’s not so much what we do, but who we are doing it. And I need to intentionally choose who I want to be.
It’s not someone else’s problem. It’s our problem. Which means we are the solution.
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Photo by: Grzegorz Łobiński
Make Memories Now
Posted by: | CommentsAfter my son died, I was thinking of some of the things we had wanted to do together but had never gotten around to. Like bike to Lake Michigan, get out the kayak and go to Washington D.C. I was also happy thinking of all the things we did get to do like camping, riding the go-cart, family trips, shooting off rockets, etc. We have an abundance of good family memories. And one-on-one memories. He was my tennis partner, film festival buddy and would go to the beach anytime even if no one else wanted to.
My silly kids on a winter hike
So as you look to the summer (or next season my southern hemisphere readers), what kinds of memories do you want to create?
Make these a priority.
Don’t wait.
19 Random Acts of Kindness for Jon
Posted by: | CommentsI have gotten so many supportive emails and I so appreciate them. I got a lovely one today. In it she said, "So many people care about you and find it hard to see you grieving when there is nothing we can do."
Well, an aquaintance, Stephanie, came up with something we could do. 19 Random Acts of Kindness, one for each year of Jon’s life and one for the good that comes from his life.
Truly the only thing to do in the face of darkness, is to bring light. Counter with good.
Jen Louden writes about it here:
http://jenniferlouden.com/19-random-acts-of-kindness/
I would love to see people join in doing 19 Random Acts of Kindness.
You can find ideas here, and here. But most importantly, just keep an eye open for opportunity. Jonathan was always doing kind things like helping a friend clean up before a bonfire, fixing someone’s mp3 player or towing a broken down car. He saw the opportunity to help when most people didn’t notice.
Some people are doing their acts of kindness in honor of Jon. But, some also for people they lost or for the people in Japan.
Let’s make our communities kinder places.
My Son
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I miss your light and life, my dearest son.
Jonathan Alexander Dargis, age 18, of Zeeland, died on Thursday, February 24, 2011.
John was a 2010 graduate of Zeeland East High School where he was a member of the robotics team. He was currently attending Grand Rapids Community College.
He is survived by his parents, Jeff and Beth Dargis of Zeeland and his sister, Brea.
Grandparents:
Patrick and Josephine Dargis of Fennville
David and Gail Paterik of Detroit
Great grandparents:
William and Peggy Bumford of Farmington Hills
Aunts and uncles:
Cristina Dargis of Westland
James and Tammy Dargis of Sterling Heights
Deborah and Nate Gambino of Dearborn Heights
He is also survived by 8 cousins and many great aunts, uncles and other family and friends.
Funeral services will be 11:00 AM Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at Faith Reformed Church, 220 West Central Avenue in Zeeland. Reverend Jonathan Elgersma will be officiating.
Visitation will be Tuesday from 2-4 and 7-9 PM at Lakeshore Memorial Services, 11939 James Street in Holland. Memorial contributions may be made to The Zeeland High School Robotics Team or Compassion International.
Here is a lovely article on my son:
and here is his Memory Book.
I am taking until April off as far as the tips go, but start working with clients again on Friday. Helping others is the best way to get through grief.
