Wouldn’t it be wonderful to revive the art of conversation this holiday season?

What if we didn’t plan every moment with movies, games, playing the Wii, TV and cooking?

Imagine after Christmas dinner everyone, including the kids, gather in the living room to talk and remember stories. Grandpa tells of the time the mouse ate his Christmas orange and Grandma reminiscences on how she met Grandpa. Uncles and aunts laugh at "remember whens." Your sister tells of Christmases when you two were growing up together to your children. The kids are asking questions.

Maybe it’s already like that in your home. In many homes, though, the art of conversation is being lost. Even when you get in the same room, the younger ones are busy texting their friends or playing their portable games rather than engaging in conversation.

Sure, it may be easier that way. But, they are losing valuable skills of communicating in longer sentences than sound bites. How about if we hold on to the cell phones for a bit and let them become part of the conversation?

If you are a little rusty with communicating, try these questions:

• What was Christmas like when you were little?
• What is your favorite holiday memory?
• What was the worst storm you were in?
• How did you get along with your siblings?
• What is your favorite memory of…
• Who is the most loving person you know?
• Did your parents ever do anything silly?
• What was your most memorable toy?

Looking at family photos are a great way to trigger stories.

You can also find questions to ask in the If series of books by Evelyn McFarlane and James Savwell. And the book, "4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone".

I am usually not good at asking, but I’ve gotten better since I’ve been married. Mainly because my husband can not take a hint. At all. I’ve had to learn to be very forthright.

The other day I was just finishing up making the enchiladas. I opened the freezer to get the shredded cheese out. No shredded cheese. I checked the cheese drawer and only found provolone and fait gras cheeses.

I flew out the door sans makeup, hair in a ponytail, hoping to get in and out of the grocery store in two minutes flat. It takes over twice as long as usual to go to the grocery store now that it’s under construction.

The store was very busy being dinner time, but I found a spot to park. I went straight for the dairy aisle and grabbed the cheese.  I saw an acquaintance but looked away quickly because I really didn’t want to be seen looking so bedraggled.  I charged towards the self-checkout. I opened the pocket for my wallet and… no wallet. I had left it on my desk after paying for something online earlier that day. (My husband said he tried to call me about it, but I had also left the phone on my desk.)

I knew if I drove home to get it and come back, the enchiladas would be ruined by that time. It popped into my head to ask the acquaintance if she had a few dollars. I really, really didn’t want to do this. I was looking silly, scatter-brained and messy. Vulnerable.  But I told the ego to be quiet and asked.

She was sooo sweet and though she didn’t have cash, came to the checkout and swiped her debit card. She seemed genuinely happy to have been able to help. We got to chat together and it brightened both of our days.

How many times do we lose opportunities to connect and let others help us because we don’t want to be vulnerable enough to ask?

We get into so many messes with people pleasing, don’t we? I am writing thank you notes right now for a committee for an event my son didn’t even end up attending.

The insidious reason we people please? Control. We want to control other people’s opinions of ourselves. We want them to like us whether we are really being ourselves or not. That’s not a nice thing to admit to yourself.

We are so afraid they won’t like us if we tell the truth and be authentic.

But truth and authenticity are where the real relationships reside.

Many of us have a people pleasing habit. We don’t even notice we are doing it.

This week, before you say yes, think about your motives. Do you really want to do this? Is this a way of showing love that you want to do? Or are you just worried someone will get mad or not like you if you say no?

If you are people pleasing, then here are some ideas on How to Say No.

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Photo by Noel Zia

This was one of my tips this week and I had a question – how do you do that?

A lot of great givers are lousy at receiving.

Why do we give? It makes us feel great and we hope the person we are giving to feel great.

So what happens if you are sick and a friend wants to come over and do some laundry. And you go, "No that’s ok. We’ll be fine." The would be giver feels let down because they don’t have a chance to give.

Why are so many of us bad receivers?

• We don’t want to be a burden
• We don’t want to have to need anyone
• We want to be independant
• We don’t want to owe anyone
• Letting someone help is a loss of control
• Pride
• We don’t want to be seen as pitied or weak

But, accepting help and asking for help is as important as giving help. Relationships are built on give and take. People feel good when you ask their advice. And most people like to help others. You are depriving them of the opportunity to be generous when you rebuff their offers to help. Accepting help creates a support system and community.

So this week, if someone offers to help try saying, "Why thank you. I would really appreciate that." Deal with the uncomfortable feelings that may come up and keep reminding yourself that you are helping others as well when you receive kindly.

In the last post The Power of a Mood I asked you to become aware of what energy your are bringing to your home. As parents we can affect the whole house. What if the energy you brought the the house was more frantic than you would like. How can you bring more peace to your house?

• Watch the self talk – awfulizing, generalizing and time scarcity thoughts create frantic actions
• Give yourself a 1 minute time out to breathe
• Take a walk around your house looking at the flowers or whatever before coming into the house
• Practice looking at the good in people and situations
• Go upstairs to get the kids instead of yelling up the stairs
• Find a few minutes to center yourself every day whether it’s prayer, meditation, yoga

• Listen with eyes and ears as much as possible.
• Give yourself 1/2 hour to wind down before bed so you can actually sleep
• Pause for grace before dinner
• Remember, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" during conflicts
• Listen carefully to how you speak
• See when you are the most frantic and problem solve – find different routines, get started earlier, plan ahead
• Respond thoughtfully instead of reacting
• Play soft music sometimes

Of course none of us are going to bring peaceful energy all the time, so be gentle with yourself as well.

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Photo by KH Rawlings