I wasn’t even going to walk the wetlands. I had woken from a nap after another migraine hit. Daily for the past two weeks.

But, my inner voice said to go. The wetlands were cool, sunny and green. And loud. The red-wing blackbirds, robins and little yellow birds were tweeting. The frogs were making their deep trombone noise. Even the swan made a long, low call I hadn’t heard before.

When a mom and her boy walked by, I couldn’t get out hi. My voice was soft and could barely be heard so I waved instead. The boy happily shouted, “She’s waving!”

Why couldn’t I speak? Where in my life wasn’t I speaking?

I hadn’t expressed or sat with feelings around Mother’s Day. First without my Mom, 7 without my son and my cousin 10 years younger than me died that same week. It was unexpected and he was a sweet, gentle, funny soul.

My voice refused to sing two songs at choir Mother’s Day morning.

I didn’t want to sit with any of the losses, but sit I did. On the couch with my ice pack on my head. But, I wasn’t processing a thing.

I wanted to go to the funeral in St. Louis the weekend after, but the migraine kept going. I even got a shot from the doctor.

Finally, I spoke to a friend over lunch during that 8-hour break from pain the shot gave me. And the migraine still came back. I was mad at myself, my body, my migraine. Everything was betraying me.

I was alone Friday night and read various books on healing. I did the Calm Body Meditation by Sandy Newbigging. He was saying many health and other problems were due to your conflict with what is. Your resistance.

I was so tight. I was resisting everything. I had to say I was willing to have my migraine. I was willing to have the feelings of sorrow. I was willing not to do what I want and drive 5 hours in the car.

As I let go of resistance, my  body felt freer, looser.

I woke up with a migraine again on Saturday morning, but I did some Calm Meditation and being with things. It went away until evening. Instead of pushing through to do stuff with my migraine, I allowed myself to take a nap which it seemed my body wanted to do.

An hour later I was up enjoying nature and the sound of birds.

A reminder to listen to that inner knowing, notice what I am resisting and express what I am feeling.

Yesterday morning I was walking along the beach. My grandpa loved to sail so I always look at the boats in remembrance.

There are always many more boats at shore, than in the water.

When I mentioned that to my husband he said that from growing up around here, he’d see people come in from Chicago just twice a year to spend a weekend with their boat. Even the smaller boats like his co-workers have are not taken out much.

I told him that if we had a boat we would take it out every weekend. Then I thought about the blowup kayak which has not seen much use or the tent or the picnic basket.

It’s time to take them out. Let’s use our fun things. Mark on your calendar so every year it comes up to schedule time with the boat, go-cart, fishing rods, or whatever it may be.

I will also watch when I buy limited use, seasonal items. To make sure I have the money AND the time to use them. I already nixed the idea of a porch swing. It sounds nice, but I know I won’t use it much and we don’t have anywhere to put it.

What can you play with this weekend?

If you find yourself frequently overwhelmed with low energy and a vague sense of not-enoughness, check your pressure. How much self-pressure are you putting on yourself? To be perfect. To get things done. To keep up with your friends. To be what society wants you to be.

The pressure may begin with the media and society, but you are taking it in as the standard.

You get to choose. This is your life. You can choose to step away from the expectations and pressure.

It may be uncomfortable, but for your health and sanity it may be time.

Today notice when your energy flags or you are feeling anxious. What are you thinking? What are you saying to yourself? What pressure have you put on yourself?

That pressure will not help you perform better. It’s harder to perform when you are anxious.

So breathe 5 deep breaths.

Ask yourself if it’s even true what you are saying to yourself about what you must do. Is it true you have to be perfect? Is it true no one will love you if you don’t get it right or say no? Often it feels like it, but from my life and the life of my clients it’s rarely true.

Think about where this particular thought came from. Is it even you or is it a magazine, a parent, a teacher, a boss?

Then ask how the self-pressure if affecting your life. Is it worth it?

Think about what you would do and how you would do it without the pressure. How does that feel? How can you enjoy the process?

Instead of self-pressure, try self-compassion. Talk to yourself with kindness. Give yourself rest and breaks. Comfort yourself when guilt and failure arise instead of beating yourself up. Notice what you do accomplish instead of only what is undone.

Decide what enough would look like in this situation. Do that and allow yourself to be satisfied.

It’s probably not time, money or resources that is keeping you stuck instead of moving forward. Fear is the big culprit. Or maybe you call it anxiety, being uncomfortable, or feeling out of your depth.

When most of us make changes, we want to make them, yet we don’t. Our ego prefers to keep us safe with what is known. There is anxiety in change.

That is when the mind chatter comes in. “What if you get rid of this and need it in the future?” “What is you try to wake up early only to fail? Again. You are just a night owl.” “Why bother making plans? Your plans never work anyway.”

Is is a wonder that change is hard? We are fighting ourselves.

I have found the best way to make the change despite the fear is to not allow that fight within. I have decided to get up early. So when that alarm rings I will get up. As soon as I start whining to myself about how I don’t realllly have to get up yet and I’m too tired and I’m so cozy, I shut it down. I know once I start to listen to those thoughts the odds of me getting out of bed plummet.

At this stage you need to talk to yourself and pump yourself up more than listen to yourself.

If you really can’t stop the anxiety ever, why not visit a therapist who can help you work through things and/or find a good medication for you.

Go ahead and think about what makes you anxious about making a new change or habit. In the planning process. Think about the obstacles and what might go wrong so you can plan for it. Think about ways to make it easier. This is the time to deal with the fear and anxiety in change.

But, once the decision is made and you are ready to implement, stop the inner broadcast. Don’t make it any harder on yourself than it can be.

Some personalities are more inclined to flake out. I am one of those who has to create systems as prevention.

It seems more and more prevalent to make excuses. “I’m not feeling up to it.” “I know there was a deadline, but, I’ll get it done as soon as possible. I got overwhelmed.” “I know I’m late again. Traffic was ridiculous.” “I’m sorry I was supposed to help at the bake sale. I totally forgot.”

We are told we need to cut everyone slack. And most people do. They may say, “It’s no big deal”, but often resentment is building inside.

We all tend to get annoyed at people that never follow through with plans. But, most of us are in denial about how much we do it.

You may be sabotaging relationships and work opportunities with flaking out.

If you flake out a lot and feel you are disappointing people all the time, you may want to see why.

• Are you saying yes to things you really want to say no, too? Then flaking out at the last minute to get out of it? Don’t say yes, if you are dreading doing it.
• Have you over-committed yourself time-wise so you can’t actually do all the things you said yes to?
• Or made agreements, while forgetting your self-care and energy needs?
• Are you really afraid or anxious and that is why you want to bail?
• Is there something you are hiding from or not admitting?

Keeping your commitments is a basis of trust in any relationship. Once you commit to something, make every effort to follow through.

It also means – make less commitments. If you flake often, you are probably making too many commitments. Be very mindful as you say yes.

How to Quit Flaking Out

• Don’t say yes immediately. Take time. Look at your calendar. Are you overbooked?
• Have rules about how many evenings you’ll be out, which events you never attend, what things you will typically say no to so you have policies to fall back on as you make decisions.
• Set up systems like alarms to remind you to do things. As soon as you say yes, put it in your calendar and ask if there is anything you need to do before it happens like order flowers or pick up the suit from the dry cleaners. If you say you are going to pick up the milk, write it down and have an alarm set so you will do it.
• Confirm plans the day before so it is less likely either one of you will flake.
• Leave at least 10 minutes early for everything.
• Before you make an excuse to someone, check in with yourself. How can you fulfill your obligation? Show others you are considerate of their time and feelings. Not feeling like it, being tired, or overbooking yourself are not great excuses.
• Don’t text or Facebook an excuse. Actually call if you absolutely have to miss. Technology has made it too easy to break commitments.
• When you make an appointment, go to the appointment. Business people are paid for whom they serve. If you don’t show up, they don’t get paid.
• Stay for a little bit rather than not show up at all.

People are counting on you to do what you say you will do. So respect other people’s time and don’t bail on plans or decide at the last minute you can’t do something. We all have distractions and opportunities that make easy excuses. Be the person who shows up and is dependable, not just when it’s convenient.

Want to get better with time and energy? Join the Change Your Relationship to Time class.

We all like to think we will be thinner, richer, connecting with friends, have a great family and spiritual life and a beautiful home in the future. We want to be attaining goals. But, when it comes to taking actions to get there our favorite phrase is, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The problem is tomorrow becomes today and you end up in the same place you were yesterday. We don’t like to think of what we have to do that will take us where we want to go. For most changes there is regular action needed.

What if instead of thinking about your fantasy tomorrow, you thought about making the present better. You could be aware so you could make conscious choices that make you feel good about yourself and your life. Throughout the day you could ask what would make this moment better? Your better moments means each day gets a little better.

How would you make your breakfast time better? It can be as simple as breathing or praying before your meal. Or adding berries to your cereal. Or turning off the to list in your mind. At breakfast ask what you can do right now – not tomorrow. What feels easy and natural?

For me and writing this article, it looks like picking up and cuddling the cat for a minute instead of staying annoyed as he walks back and forth in front of the screen.

If you become aware of yourself eating snacks on the couch watching TV, what could you do in that particular moment? Could you portion out the rest of the snack, move into the kitchen, put the snack down and walk in place?

Being present and aware also helps you cement those habits, those daily actions that get you where you want to go. I read somewhere that discipline is remembering what you want.

Your present and what you do becomes your next today. What choices can you make right now that will bring you the today you want?

Join us in our New Habits course to help create sustainable habits to help you in attaining goals that make the conscious choices easier.

We all have habits that we automatically do throughout the day. Some are good like brushing our teeth. Some are not so good like zoning out in front of the TV with snacks.

When we realize there is a habit we want to change or create, initially we are very excited. We know how much our lives will improve.

Often when we are trying to create new habits, we get all drill sergeant. We set a strict schedule not to be veered from. The minute we don’t do our habit, we criticize, blame and tell ourselves it’s done now. All or nothing.

Convinced we are failures and can never create new habits, we give up. Until the next burst of energy for change appears.

Developing new habits takes time. It takes self-compassion as we navigate incorporating something new into our lives. It won’t be a linear process.

Even if it takes months to cement your habit, isn’t that better than never?

Never is what happens when you don’t allow yourself to fail. If mistakes can’t happen on your watch.

Is decluttering 4 instead of 7 days a week better than not at all?

Is exercising 1 day better than none?

Is doing your morning quiet time 80% of the time better than not doing it?

How can you be more self-compassionate as you create new habits?

If you need help developing new habits with a self-compassionate mind-set, we would love to have your join the 4 week Habits and Rhythms class.

February is always a hard month for me as it’s the anniversary of my son’s death through violence. When something like a school shooting in Florida happens my heart hurts more. I allow myself to cry and heal.

Many people feel uncomfortable and move straight into anger because they find it easier to feel. Blame and “knowing” the solution feels good. Until the people you blame don’t do what you want them to do. Then you get angrier.

It’s not just up to government to do things. You can be active in trying to create change that way, yet it is also up to each one of us to bring more kindness and love into the world. Yes, love and prayers. Our world needs more love and prayer.  And healing hurt. You are not helpless in preventing tragedy.

What are you doing to make sure children and teens are loved, cared for and mentored?

Are you pouring love and kindness in the world or more anger, judgment, and impatience?

Can you add more gentleness or are you deepening the increasing coarseness in society?

Are you taking time to see people, especially people that are not often seen? Are you listening with compassion?

Can you support instead of ignore people in pain – even though it’s hard?

Who do you know that is in pain that you can show up for?

Are you bringing peace or harsh words and an agitated spirit?

Can you do something to affect change right in your community? Can you check with local charities and teen centers for needs?

Who might be feeling unloved where you live?

Are you increasing the love and unity in the world or focusing on division and separation?

When you look at your Facebook messages and tweets this week, what kind of world are they ushering in?

What media are you consuming? Is it violent, mean, glorifying the worst in society? Is it full of division? Is it creating greater discontent and drive to do and have more?

None of this is easy. It requires getting connected, feeling vulnerable and disappointed. We may be doing things we don’t normally do or talking to people we don’t normally talk to. It’s easier to live in our bubbles, blame other people and spout off on social media than do to the real work of affecting change.

But, that is what our world needs right now. People willing to unify, love and be courageous.

This is why simpler living is so important. It is so much harder to do the things to create a better world if we are chaotic and overwhelmed. It’s so easy to only see ourselves when we get super busy. Often we quit bringing our best selves and instead we show our exhausted, petty, impatient selves. It is difficult to be a light when you are moving so fast you blow out the candle.

I’ve shared my delightful evening routine before. I thought you might want to hear about the habits of the morning.

It’s rare that it is exactly the same each morning. I want to feel centered, connected and peaceful from my morning routine so I keep the feeling in my mind.

A) Brush teeth, water pik, lotion, lemon water after I feed the cat

B) Movement to help wake me up – yoga, dance, walk, weights, pilates

C) Read from one or two of my daily books

D) Decide on a theme/intention for the day

E) Meditate and/or journal on the intention or find a meditation based on the theme in my Insight Meditation app

F) Prayer and Gratitude

G) Sometimes I will do exercises from a course I’m taking or book I’m reading or watch something inspirational. Or do some emotional processing through writing, dancing, art.

H) Drink my smoothie – Right now I am going through Food Network’s 50 smoothies I wash last night’s snack dishes and my husband’s breakfast while it’s blending.

I always to A and B first and H last. But, in the middle things move around. They don’t all get done every day, except prayer. I will check in with myself to see what’s feeling most needed to reach calm and centered and do that first.

I used to do more housecleaning in the morning, but now I do most after dinner. My routine was much different when the kids were at home. Yours will be different depending on what life spot you are in right now.

How do you want your mornings to feel? What one thing can you do or not do to make you feel that way?

Would you like some guidance in creating and keeping routines? Please join the Habits and Rhythms class.

You don’t need a big block of time to start simplifying creating a fulfilling life. You certainly don’t need to change everything at once. Below are changes you can do each week.

Tiny Change #1 : Go to bed ½ hour earlier and wake up ½ earlier than usual

Tiny Change #2 : Go to your favorite bookstore to pick out a journal and start writing

Tiny Change #3 : Read at least 15 minutes a day

Tiny Change #4 :Organize your junk drawer

Tiny Change #5 :Have a daily quiet time

Tiny Change #6 :Start an exercise program for 15 min. a day

Tiny Change #7 :Get together with a friend at least once a month

Tiny Change #8: Start a Debt Reduction Plan

Tiny Change #9: Write out an evening routine that will prepare you for the next day

Tiny Change #10: Have a weekly family night to play games, eat together, or do something fun as a family

Tiny Change #11: Take the last few minutes of the work day to straighten up and plan for the day ahead

Tiny Change #12: Do a random act of kindness

Tiny Change #13: Keep water at your desk with you to get your 8 glasses a day

Tiny Change #14:Write or input birthdays on a calendar, so you can let others know you care for them

Tiny Change #15: Visualize the day you want to have while taking your morning shower

Tiny Change #16: Remember to laugh: rent a comedy, get silly with friends, or read a funny book

Tiny Change #17: Write out a morning routine that includes personal time, household duties and family

Tiny Change #18: Surprise your significant other with a fun date. Plan regular together times.

Tiny Change #19: Do your most important priority at your peak energy time

Tiny Change #20: Enjoy nature- take a hike, sit on the beach, dance in the rain

Tiny Change #21: Whenever you feel yourself getting tense, slow down and breathe

Tiny Change #22: Make a plan to regularly call your parents, grandparents, siblings or others you consider family

Tiny Change #23: Subscribe to a magazine related to your work and schedule time to read it

Tiny Change #24: Forget the mistakes of yesterday, today is too important to miss

Tiny Change #26: Practice really listening to someone

Tiny Change #27: Take two minute breaks during your work day to breathe, walk, look out the window

Tiny Change #28: Sincerely compliment others

Tiny Change #29: Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night

Tiny Change #30: Resign from one committee, volunteer post, or duty you don’t really like

Tiny Change #31: Take time for your hobbies at least a few times a month

Tiny Change #32: Play a little every evening

Tiny Change #33: Set up a filing system for your mail: to do, finance, other family members, or to file

Tiny Change #34: Pack a lunch instead of eating fast food

Tiny Change #35: Memorize scripture, an inspirational quote, or a poem to give you a lift during the day

Tiny Change #36: Set up all your appointments for the doctor, dentist, hairstylist, etc. when you are at your appointment

Tiny Change #37: Plan to leave 10 minutes early for all your appointments

Tiny Change #38: Take a big vacation once a year, and mini weekend vacations throughout the year-even if you are just staying
home

Tiny Change #39: Go through your clothes and give away what you don’t need, want or fit into

Tiny Change #40: Make sure your work chair and desk are ergonomically correct

Tiny Change #41: Quit lying and making excuses to yourself

Tiny Change # 42: Stretch daily

Tiny Change # 43: When someone asks you how you are doing say, “Fantastic”, not “Really busy.”

Tiny Change # 44: Focus attention on a special person, really connect with them

Tiny Change # 45: Ask someone for help

Tiny Change # 46: Nurture a child

Tiny Change # 47: Make a list of 100 things you are thankful for

Tiny Change # 48: Write a letter of appreciation to your significant other or a friend

Tiny Change # 49: Do one thing you have been procrastinating on

Tiny Change # 50: Take time each evening to let go and to forgive

Tiny Change # 51: Use music to energize you or relax you

Tiny Change # 52: Focus on one project to complete this week