I recently asked for questions I could help you with and received this one that I think is very common:

How do YOU handle (or how do you recommend other people handle) the guilt from other people when decluttering?

You know the ugly ceramic from your sister-in-law or a birthday gift you will never use. A sweet gift from a spouse. How do you declutter without hurting feelings?

And let’s not forget the relative that is always giving you something from a distant relation and laying on the guilt about receiving it and keeping it.

This is the kind of scenario that happens all throughout our lives. Wanting to have autonomy on our homes and our lives and having well-meaning people we don’t want to hurt, interfere.

One thing to remember, is that guilting someone is a form of manipulation to get someone to do what you want. Most parents or grandparents have done it at some point with their kids and/or grandkids.

But, as adults we don’t have to buy into it. At some point we need to take ownership of our choices included keeping something because we were made to feel guilty or refusing and feeling badly.

What are some ways of refusing gently?

Perhaps, “Wow this is wonderful. I wonder if the local historical museum would enjoy it so more people can see it. “

or, “Thanks so much for thinking of me, but I have been trying to declutter. I don’t have enough space for our stuff, much less other’s people’s things. I’m sure you understand.”

“Wow, Aunt Marilyn had great taste. Unfortunately it’s not my taste. It deserves to be shown and I would just hide it in a box. Who else do you think might like it?”

“I love you so much and am happy you want to keep memories alive. But, I don’t have the room to be a historian. What else can we do with it?”

What if you already have it and think they might visit?

This is up to you. If you know for sure it would hurt their feelings and you just can’t, put it away until they come over.

But, I think most of us are adult enough to know that not everything we give is a perfect fit. We try, but it doesn’t always work.

I can’t recall things I have given, so I wouldn’t even notice if something was out or not. I’m sure there are a lot of people that way.

If someone does notice, you might have to gently explain why you had to let it go (not enough room, moved on from that hobby, someone else asked about it and really wanted it). It’s not something wrong you did. You just didn’t keep something you didn’t want in your space.

Some people may get terribly offended. You know who they are. That’s why you get to use your discernment to see if it’s better to keep something or allow someone to be offended.

There is a choice. We may not want to make it. But, that’s how we create the lives we want. With the choices we make. Sometimes you will end up disappointing someone or hurting someone’s feelings if you are creating your life with your choices.

We also don’t get to choose how other people re-act. So think if you want to live your life basing your choices on hopefully never offending or hurting someone’s feelings or in the way your soul is actually leading you.

In a normal life, unfortunately, you will disappoint someone or make someone mad or offend someone if you try to live a simpler, soul-driven life. But, the alternative is to tip-toe through life, never making waves (and limiting your impact on the world). Be kind always. But, that doesn’t mean you need to bring other people’s guilting into yourself.

Be kind. Be loving. And start noticing how many times you trade “being nice” for living how you choose. Too often and you start living other people’s lives instead of your own.

Need some support in letting go and dealing with other people in the midst of it? Join the Declutter Group.

There are days like the past couple days where I feel like a failure. Not everything gets done. I was in a bad mood. I called a client an hour early. We had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

Then there is the added pressure of a new year where we are supposed to have it all together.

Turns out it was PMS with low energy and a migraine coming. But, this sensitive time brings to the surface thoughts that I can often bury. I am reminded where I still think in society’s standards. And feel shame of not living up to them.

I’ve tended towards going my own way. From starting my own business and working from home to letting my daughter where mismatched socks to school and forgoing bake sales. I like to think of myself as a non-conformist. I refuse to diet and let others dictate how I look. I set my own hours. We eat dinner at 4pm.

But, being a human creature, there is still that wanting to belong and not wanting to disappoint. I don’t like that it’s there, but it’s there for most people. So whenever I start to feel lots of pressure and feelings of failure, I know I have drifted from my inner guidance to the outside world.

Ways I get out this thinking:

• Remembering I am human and connection is how we are built. These feelings are normal.
• Going into prayer, finding my faith, believing in God’s timing and that what needs to get done will get done
• Slowing down between tasks and activities so I can think and process instead of going on automatic
• Reminding myself it’s arrogant to think I can get out of making mistakes. No one can. So I can ask for forgiveness instead of wallowing in energy-draining guilt.
• Staying off social media for a bit and not comparing my life to others
• Or more often comparing my life to the ideal in my head, where I always fall short and feel not enough. I check in with the now and see what’s good and what I can make better. That’s the only place you can change.
• Allowing myself to set my own standards for what is priority in my life at this time. I get to choose since it’s my life.

What new thought patterns might help you today?

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed and that we are already behind when we start a new year. We place more expectations on ourselves to buckle down and get it all done. Here are some tips to make it easier:

1. Ask yourself if you are doing something out of obligation, as a should or if it really is a goal of yours.
2. Notice when you start to feel self-pressure. Ask yourself how you can loosen up about this. Or how it can be easier. Or if it is as important as you are thinking it is.
3. Narrow down projects and goals to 1-3 at a time so you can actually finish things.
4. Plan your year, months, weeks and days even if it’s just jotting down a few things in your waiting time. Don’t be too structured with your planning. Allow for life’s flow.
5. When you drift into zoning out, see if you can find actual self-care like a walk, meditation, prayer, drinking water or doing a dance.
6. Cut down on social media time if it is affecting your goals and/or your mood.
7. Don’t have every bit of downtime be attached to a device. Remember when you used to go to the bathroom, stand in line or wait at a stop sign without your phone? Our brains need a rest sometimes to just wander.
8. Not sure what to do next? Haven’t listened to yourself in awhile? Try creating a check-in jar.
9. Take a 1-5 breath pause between finishing something and starting something new, to appreciate what was done and get focused on the next thing.
10. Work with kindred spirits or accountability partners to get stuff done.

Wishing you a year of freedom, renewal and meaning!

Do you have those things that just never seem to get done? Things you procrastinate on like organizing a closet, making a difficult phone call or a business report? Get It Done Day is for tackling that energy draining to do list. I haven’t done one of these in a few years, but it seems a lot of people are getting overwhelmed and their motivation is spent. Working together can be a fun way of completing those things.

Date: Monday, January 12, 2019

Time: 9:00amET-4:00pm ET at the top of each hour (ie 9am, 10am)

At the top of each hour we will say what we hope to do. At a quarter after we zoom to get it done. Then at the top of the next hour we say what we have accomplished and get some pats on the back.

i.e. 10:00 “What are you working on? I plan to get through as many emails as I can. ”
10:15 Focused working on the emails.
11:00 “I cleared 800 emails and unsubscribed to a bunch of lists.” Great job, you worked hard!” Chit, chat. Maybe drink a glass of water. “Next 45 minutes I plan to clean out my fridge.”
11:15 Focused working on fridge.

You don’t have to do the entire 8 hours, just come and go when you can throughout the day.

A list might help. What has been niggling you? What have you been procrastinating on?

On Get It Done Day, I plan to take care of the following things that have been bugging me

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2.

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6.

7.

It’s only $9 to have a Coach and others motivate you to get things done for 8 hours. Invite your friends for even more encouragement. Can you imagine how good you will feel tying up loose ends before the end of the year?

Join Get it Done Day

A quick note to let you know the 2019 Declutter Calendar is done. If you are on the Weekly Simplicity list it was emailed already. If you aren’t on the list you can get it here.

How would your life be different if you didn’t need to change? Or keep up? Or improve?

How much simpler would it be?

When I look over the years, there have been hundreds of hours spent reading self-help books and blogs, taking courses, doing one self-improvement project after another, most not completed.

I get bored and move on.

I truly love learning and improving, but some times in your life it’s more important to relax and feel self-compassion.

We can’t constantly be trying to improve ourselves. We grow tired and feel an overcast of self-doubt and guilt covering our days. We are never enough. We didn’t complete enough. Our morning routines were not perfect. Our self-care was non-existent today. We ate a donut instead of green smoothie.

We are putting so much pressure on ourselves to continue to do better each day and all the time. Then come down on ourselves when we don’t.

But, life is in cycles. Sometimes you will have higher energy. During early motherhood you barely have enough to function, much less be “perfect mom.” Certain days, life throws obstacles your way. It’s rare an ideal day comes around anyway.

I see the overwhelmed hanging on so tightly they are completely wound up. It’s hard to breathe or relax – something might not go well.

Can you let go a bit? Have a whole month without a self-improvement project or non-fiction book? Trying on self-compassion instead of self-judgement?

Taking life as it comes without resistance or manically trying to fix it.

Floating, not grabbing. Breathing.

Adding space to be, where it was crammed with information on how to do it better.

Feel free to do it your way. Checking in with yourself and your God moment by moment.

Perhaps everything holiday always falls on you. But, you are realizing it’s not working for you. You don’t want to be “doing Christmas” from August to get it all done. Maybe it’s a lot of work for not much joy.

There are probably things which you don’t enjoy doing. This is different for everyone. Maybe you don’t like the holiday party, baking, cards, going caroling, Christmas dinner or whatever.

When you think about the holiday, what is the one thing you can’t stand doing?

You have options even if it feels like you have to do it all:

• Let that thing go. Make peace with the feeling of, “I should have…” Let go of the guilt and thinking it has to be done and it has to be done by me. It really doesn’t. We have a cat. We don’t have a tree. And it’s fine.
• Let someone else do it that enjoys it more. My artistic daughter does most of my wrapping and decorating.
• Pare it down. Send less cards. Talk to friends and family about doing gift exchanges where you pick a name instead of getting presents for everyone. Only put up one box of decorations. Bake 3 kinds of cookies instead of ten.
• Do it together. Go shopping with friends, have a cookie trade, fill out cards as a family, have a wrapping party.
• Decide to do it and do it out of love. If it’s really important to someone, go ahead and do it. But, make sure you are feeling love and service before doing it. Doing it out of resentment makes everyone miserable.

Remember – you have a choice!

I rarely send cards that I buy. I like making my own and I’ve been doing more online cards as a way to have less environmental impact.

Paperless Post set me up with some coins to try out their card system. I saw I had some Christmas cards yet to send and thought this would be a perfect opportunity.

The whole thing was simple and I love the designs.

How to send cards

1. Pick a card from a variety of categories. They also do invites and flyers. (You can upload your own design, too.)
2. Customize the background, saying and font. Some have spaces to put pictures in.
3. Update the stamp, envelope and typeface.
4. Write in your name and subject line.
5. Enter the names and emails (Mine was 5 coins per recipient. They also have some free invitations and free cards.)
6. Schedule or send now.

It’s really easy and the cards are so professional looking. Here are some Christmas cards if you are interested (especially those of you who know you won’t have time to write out regular cards this year.)

Last month was my birthday and I was preparing the evening before for an easy day. I thought maybe I would shower on my birthday, but then I thought, do I really want to do that on my day off. So I showered that evening instead of procrastinating I also:

• Put clean sheets on the bed and did as much work as possible the day before.
• Picked out a fun birthday outfit.
• Created a pretty space to read, journal and watch a movie.
• Put most of my smoothie ingredients in the smoothie blender container and set it in the fridge for a quick blend in the morning.
• Wrote out a list of fun things I wanted to do like take a nature walk and read.
• Cleaned up the house.
• Did the dishes.
• Got books from the library.

As I was preparing for my birthday, I was thinking I should do this more often. Too often stuff I could have done the night or day before, I end up doing the next day. But, what if I thought, “If it were a special day, would I want to do this the next day?” or “Will my future self really want to do this tomorrow?”

We talked about this in the declutter class as well. When we don’t do our decluttering, we are only making it harder for ourselves the next day. We want to double up our time. But, if we didn’t want to do 15 minutes today, do we really think we will want to do 30 minutes the next day?

When we procrastinate into the “I don’t wannas,” we are usually thinking about the difficulty, tiredness or boredom of right now. If you think about a finished project, how you will feel when it’s done, how you will enjoy it tomorrow if it’s already complete you can use that energy to get it done today.

I can care for tomorrow me, by preparing today. By not procrastinating. I have been doing this most days now. Future me is so happy.

(You can find more ways to stop procrastinating in my little Procrastination ecourse)

For those in the northern hemisphere, this is the time we want to feel cozy. We had hail when I was coming home from choir practice yesterday and the wind was biting.

But, do we take the time to be cozy. Do we schedule cozy time?

The other evening my husband was at a friend’s house so I created cozy time. (You can see this blog post for making a cozy space.) I put some hot cocoa in a mug next to the couch, got some water and snacks, a fetched my journal, planner and the newest Bella Grace magazine. I lit a few candles, turned down the lights. and space heater on.  I gathered my fleece blanket.

One of my friends says she likes to have chocolate chip cookies and a fire, while reading

Once I was set up, I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie which is not normally my style, but perfect for cozy night. I drank my hot cocoa.

Then I read some of the Bella Grace magazine and filled out the prompts in my journal. I did a little planning for the rest of the year – what I wanted to do, feel, and enjoy.  Petting the cat, while I listened to music. I read a few chapters of my novel before my husband came home.

What would your cozy evening be like?