I am finishing up the declutter group and a comment came up that always comes up – “I feel so guilty for having spent money on that item so now I don’t want to declutter it.” Similar, “That object was so expensive, I feel guilty getting rid of it.”

The truth is at the time you bought something, you thought you needed it or at least wanted it. Going forward you are going to be clearer on your purchases and notice if something is a want or a need.

We think if we keep something that should be decluttered, we are confirming we made a good choice before. And you may have. But, at this point in time it has become clutter. Is it worth your space, your time or your bad feelings every time you see the possession to keep it?

Money doesn’t flow back into your pocket if you keep it. If you get rid of it, at least you have a tax deduction.

This is where self-compassion comes in again. If you are feeling guilty about spending money on something you no longer need, be gentle with yourself. Say, “You thought you needed it, but now you don’t and that is ok.” “You are noticing your pattern of buying things you don’t need. In the future I will…” “Stuff and money do not tell me my worth. I am worth more than holding onto clutter.”

Telling your guilt to a friend can also relieve some shame. And maybe they have a good place to bring it.

Don’t let guilt keep you cluttered.

I have been struggling between the idea that you should not resist any thoughts and feelings that come up and directing my thoughts in a more positive direction.

One way of thought says thoughts are transient. They are not positive or negative. Welcome all thoughts and feelings. The resistance to these feelings is what produces suffering. I can see this way of thought. And have moved towards accepting everything that arises in body, mind and emotions.

I listen to my feelings. I hear my thoughts, but no longer believe everything they say is true. I have noticed often they are rehashing the past or being fearful of the future.

At the same time, I have a family history of depression and anxiety. I see when I let all the thoughts hang out I can get stuck in the fear or sadness. How do I accept all the thoughts and feelings without falling into the dark? And how do I think more positively without hiding from the pain and negativity (sometimes called spiritual bypassing).

It’s not that the darker thoughts are wrong, but they are not as helpful to me because I do get stuck. It’s hard to move forward with goals when you only see what will go wrong. It’s hard to sing in public when you are so filled with anxiety you want to get sick. It’s hard to go into social gatherings worried about the interactions.

I have created a morning practice that helps me see more positively because most of us naturally look for the negatives and downsides. In the mornings after exercise, prayer and meditation I begin writing.

• I write out my gratitudes. Not just the three or five things often touted in self-help books. I write 1-3 paragraphs of appreciation and gratitude.
• I write at least one thing I am looking forward to today. If I don’t have anything, I plan something. It can be as small as reading a chapter in a novel, drinking hot cocoa wrapped in a blanket. Or Facebook chatting one of my friends.
• I think of how I want to feel today: Serene, appreciative, radiant, connected, joyful, loving, patient, kind, giving. I pick 1-2 to concentrate on throughout the day.
• I look over my weekly goals and write out my intentions – what I want to do, why I want to do them, how I want to be doing them. “I intend to edit my book with clarity and love.” I connect with how my goals will serve others.
• I remember we are all connected.
• I play with another prompt or two. Like I appreciate… I love…I am at peace with…I surrender…Wouldn’t it be nice if…I want…I desire…I choose…I am excited about…here are some good feeling thoughts…I am…I wish…My soul says…My heart wants…I accept… These prompts help me tap into inner wisdom.

I bring my notebook that holds these writings to peek at throughout the day. Even reading one line can change my energy from a downward spiral. Plus the more I look for the good, the more I see the good naturally.

I can feel all my feelings. And I actually have practices to do that as well. But, afterwards I like to bring myself back to gratitude, appreciation and possibility. This is where my energy and optimism dwell.

I felt embarrassed by my housekeeping skills. I didn’t want people over.

This is when I started reading online and reading books. I took courses, so I could feel better about myself.

It all came from a place of shame and feeling pressure outside of myself (but, then internalized it, so I was pressuring myself.)

Nothing stuck.

It wasn’t until I found a group of people that admitted they didn’t have it all together. We shared our shame and embarrassment. Along with our hopes and plans.

Once all that thoughts and feelings I’d been holding onto were released by admitting it in public, I discovered other reasons to declutter, organize and simplify. It made me feel good to have some order. I could create a home that nurtured to take care of me and my family.

It didn’t have to be perfect to nurture. Even today, I usually have some papers in my inbox, but I no longer have paper piles for months or a stack to file as high as the filing cabinet. I enjoy having a system to pay bills on time or find that invitation or not lose the gift card.

Instead of the willpower and forcing (plus the resistance that comes with it), I have flipped the switch to noticing the positives of what simplifying and cleaning can do for me and my family.

I used to look at a pile of dishes, remembering how Grandma and Grandpa always cleaned up right after dinner. I would feel not good enough. I wanted to rebel. I would procrastinate. It took so much work and energy to get me to do them.

Now I do dishes because I know they are easier to clean right after a meal when you don’t have a dishwasher. I know I won’t want to do dishes anymore two hours after the meal than I do right after. I think about the clean kitchen afterwards. Doing dishes feels like no big deal now.

If you have a lot of shame, resistance and procrastination when it comes to home tasks, check in with your mind. Are you focusing on thoughts that make it harder or thoughts that make home care easier? Be self-compassionate as you go on this journey towards order.

I had a miserable, sick weekend and I had to stop my 30 Day of Yoga Challenge. (Creating the link, I noticed she calls it a journey. While I called it a challenge.)

So many challenges – 30 days of squats, 90 day whole foods challenge, 21 day meditation challenge and so on. That’s because challenges can work for certain people.

I love to try them out, but rarely make it to the end. But, this 30 days of yoga was going to be different. I had already made it to Day 24. Until I had stomach issues that yoga was not helping. I don’t need to bend and twist when my stomach is already knotted up.

Ahh! I felt frustrated for the days I did push through to do my yoga even when I didn’t want to. All the previous work was worth nothing because now I had failed the challenge. I had the, “See I never finish anything” self-talk. I wanted to quit even though I loved the yoga.

Time to re-frame. I was in charge, not a random challenge. It is something I want to do, not something outside myself making me do it. I can still continue even if I miss a day. I can do my yoga challenge two extra days. No big deal.

We don’t need perfectionism to smash our goals with our old stories of not finishing and never getting it right. We no longer need to be our patterns.

This goes for the Declutter Calendar, as well. I created it to simplify deciding what’s next in decluttering. Not as some strict piece of paper you have to adhere to or you are a bad person.

You don’t need to quit if you missed a day. Circle that day so you can complete when you a declutter day, you don’t have to do. (Yea, I don’t have anything above my stove, time to go back to Day 19.) Or do it next time it comes up on the calendar.

If you came in after January 1, start with today’s date and don’t try to catch up. Each day you do the calendar is progress. If you let perfectionism tell you to give up because you missed a day, remind your ego that the goal is a decluttered house – not a perfect checked off calendar.

Where is perfectionism suggesting you stop when you see a setback?

As I was stepping into the shower today, I was thinking that I would like one of those shower speakers to play music or podcasts. Then I realized the shower is one of the last places I have where there is no opportunity to consume other people’s input.

Like many people, my best ideas happen in the shower. Those small moments where there is nothing but your thoughts is becoming rarer.

I noticed that again a week ago. (Insight and awareness appear in cycles. Sometimes I need to be reminded over and over again.) I have been reclaiming these moments. I no longer get out my phone while waiting at appointments. Sitting in the dentist chair Monday waiting for the dentist, the assistant asked if I wanted my phone. I said no.

I can put on my makeup without background noise, though I saw mirrors with built-in speakers when I looked for a vanity mirror. Or eat lunch without watching a video. I hike in nature without audio.

I love music when I am driving, but sometimes I will drive without anything playing if I have been feeling amped up and frazzled.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the input coming into your life, stop some of it. We get to be in control with what we read, hear, see, consume in our downtime at least part of the time. We are burying ourselves in a quest to stay relevant, productive and always learning.

Allow yourself to be bored and quiet. See how that extra space feels. Watch TV without playing on your phone. Go on the treadmill with only your thoughts. Enter the restroom without a magazine.

Today, decide on one spot that you could add quiet without input, whether the shower, car, or waiting in line. What moment can you reclaim for your sanity and creativity?

I’d been thinking about a vanity table for a year – a place to put on makeup and do my hair. But, I didn’t want to spend the cash for a table. I also wasn’t sure where I would put it.

I continued to long for one though, since we only have one bathroom and it was getting harder to see to put my makeup on with the bathroom mirror.

This December, the server that was in my room bit the dust, so we retired it. We were breaking down the desk to remove it from the room, when my husband suggested we turn the desk into a vanity table.

We took the top off the desk so there would be plenty of light. He bought a blotter protector/mousepad to cover the rough-looking desk and make it easier to clean.

He also bought a mirror and the hair appliance holder.

I brought my two plastic makeup containers and a plastic drawer set for hair supplies up from the bathroom. The desk drawer was perfect for my theater makeup.

So now instead of an expensive vanity table that would probably have been too small, I now have a good sized vanity table from an old desk.

Is there anything you can re-purpose?

I started to get a migraine New Year’s Eve. The midnight fireworks didn’t help. I woke this morning with a doozy of migraine pain. So I went within to feel the feelings.

I noticed that I had been reading a lot of those end of year/decade retrospects of travel, family, and prosperity. My past decade was one of great loss. The biggest being my son and my Mom. In the recent couple years an empty nest. It’s been a decade of hard. So I let myself feel that pain and sadness. Sit with the feelings.

I am sure I am not the only one that has gone through a difficult decade. So give yourself time to mourn. To feel. To remember.

After letting those emotions wash over me, I reminded myself of how much stronger and more compassionate I am now. How strong my marriage is. How much deeper my spirituality. How much wiser my writing. How much more connected I am to my body and emotions.

I remember the fun with family, the adventures, getting back into singing in public and on stage, and all the nature hikes.

I look to this new decade, knowing there will be pain but also knowing there will be joy, so I hope.

My wish for all of you is that you will find joy and beauty, whatever this new decade brings. And that you would make honest connections so you are supported during the rough patches. May you know you are loved and lovable. Light and love to all of you.

If you get my Weekly Simplicity Tips, you should have seen the 2020 Declutter Calendar. (If not, check your spam folder or promotions folder, then move my email to the inbox.)

If you aren’t on my list, you can get the calendar here: 2020 Declutter Calendar

Also, I have created a free Facebook group where we can declutter and simplify together. Go here and request to join if you’d like.

And finally, registration for the January 20th Declutter Group is now open if that is one of your 2020 goals.

I see and read about the franticness people have at this time of year between the holidays, getting the end of year stuff done and trying to plan the next year. You see snippyness at the store. The fatigue of young mothers with kids trying to get the groceries. Cards, food, baking, decorating, watching all the Christmas films, seeing the lights, entertaining and concerts.

You can stop. It may seem you have to do all the things. You may feel pressure to do everything. But, how much of that is internal and how much is external?

We all bring in the expectations of our upbringing and what we assume are the expectations of society. We also struggle with our own internal perfectionism – wanting to do it all and wanting to do it right.

But, it is your life. You have your own purpose, talents and ways of seeing. If you try to do all the things, who you are gets watered down. Do you want to be a clone of everyone else or what other people say you need to be?

What’s most important to you and your family right now? What can you let go of? What can be less than perfect?

Notice where you are getting tense and stressed from self-pressure. Ease up for a happier you and a happier family.

I was at a family dinner one weekend. Some of my relatives were having a hard time figuring out what I do.

“People pay you to help them finish their project?” “Don’t you just say Just Do It?”

I come from a family of people that, “Just do it.”

I am not one of them. I explained that not everyone can just do it. Some people are like me, and we need to get into good mindsets and set up systems so it’s easier to do.

A lot of us have more limited energy, so we need to focus. And sometimes support in that.

Some of us procrastinated and never finish anything without accountability. I always have an accountability partner and enjoy being other people’s accountability.

I had to learn skills because I am more of an imaginative flake then a self-motivated doer.

I figured others might want to learn these skills with gentle encouragement.

People say they get so much more done in one of my classes or in coaching because of the accountability, new skills and the self-compassion I teach.

So to all of you that can’t, “Just Do It,” you are not alone. We are just wired differently.

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If you need some encouragement and support with decluttering, my most popular class, the Declutter Group starts soon.