I was walking the wetlands. Three girls came running and shrieking by, probably scaring all the wildlife away on what I hoped would be a peaceful walk.

I felt the annoyance crawl up my stomach to my throat.

How could they be so rude? Where are their parents?

Then I passed them on a bench they decided to sit on. They were looking so cute. I remembered that age. I spent time running and yelling outside much my youth.

Instead of annoyance I had warmth in my heart.

We are so quick to judge, snark and criticize. It seems we don’t allow imperfection anymore – at least of others. We are taught to have self-compassion for ourselves at the same time assume that we are right. So a person can be brought down by one inartful statement or video showing their worst moment.

The next time you feel that “I am right, I can’t believe you did that. How could you?” ask when you have done or said something similar. Even in our thoughts. None of us are perfect. We can be human together.

I was writing this in the car after my walk with my windows open enjoying the summer breeze. Then a car pulled up playing rap music loudly with the bass up.

I started getting annoyed again briefly before remembering that just yesterday we were playing 80’s music in the Jeep with the windows down. I let go of the tension. I love the feeling in my body when I think of others with kindness.

It’s like the idea that you should only surround yourself with positive people. But, aren’t most people negative sometimes? Maybe the negative person needs a positive person around and your job is to be that positive person. You might be the only positive person in their lives.

Where do you see yourself judging others?

We need to give grace to others. Our world desperately needs more of this. I forgive…forgive me… are words to live by.

If you find yourself frequently overwhelmed with low energy and a vague sense of not-enoughness, check your pressure. How much self-pressure are you putting on yourself? To be perfect. To get things done. To keep up with your friends. To be what society wants you to be.

The pressure may begin with the media and society, but you are taking it in as the standard.

You get to choose. This is your life. You can choose to step away from the expectations and pressure.

It may be uncomfortable, but for your health and sanity it may be time.

Today notice when your energy flags or you are feeling anxious. What are you thinking? What are you saying to yourself? What pressure have you put on yourself?

That pressure will not help you perform better. It’s harder to perform when you are anxious.

So breathe 5 deep breaths.

Ask yourself if it’s even true what you are saying to yourself about what you must do. Is it true you have to be perfect? Is it true no one will love you if you don’t get it right or say no? Often it feels like it, but from my life and the life of my clients it’s rarely true.

Think about where this particular thought came from. Is it even you or is it a magazine, a parent, a teacher, a boss?

Then ask how the self-pressure if affecting your life. Is it worth it?

Think about what you would do and how you would do it without the pressure. How does that feel? How can you enjoy the process?

Instead of self-pressure, try self-compassion. Talk to yourself with kindness. Give yourself rest and breaks. Comfort yourself when guilt and failure arise instead of beating yourself up. Notice what you do accomplish instead of only what is undone.

Decide what enough would look like in this situation. Do that and allow yourself to be satisfied.

It’s probably not time, money or resources that is keeping you stuck instead of moving forward. Fear is the big culprit. Or maybe you call it anxiety, being uncomfortable, or feeling out of your depth.

When most of us make changes, we want to make them, yet we don’t. Our ego prefers to keep us safe with what is known. There is anxiety in change.

That is when the mind chatter comes in. “What if you get rid of this and need it in the future?” “What is you try to wake up early only to fail? Again. You are just a night owl.” “Why bother making plans? Your plans never work anyway.”

Is is a wonder that change is hard? We are fighting ourselves.

I have found the best way to make the change despite the fear is to not allow that fight within. I have decided to get up early. So when that alarm rings I will get up. As soon as I start whining to myself about how I don’t realllly have to get up yet and I’m too tired and I’m so cozy, I shut it down. I know once I start to listen to those thoughts the odds of me getting out of bed plummet.

At this stage you need to talk to yourself and pump yourself up more than listen to yourself.

If you really can’t stop the anxiety ever, why not visit a therapist who can help you work through things and/or find a good medication for you.

Go ahead and think about what makes you anxious about making a new change or habit. In the planning process. Think about the obstacles and what might go wrong so you can plan for it. Think about ways to make it easier. This is the time to deal with the fear and anxiety in change.

But, once the decision is made and you are ready to implement, stop the inner broadcast. Don’t make it any harder on yourself than it can be.

Some personalities are more inclined to flake out. I am one of those who has to create systems as prevention.

It seems more and more prevalent to make excuses. “I’m not feeling up to it.” “I know there was a deadline, but, I’ll get it done as soon as possible. I got overwhelmed.” “I know I’m late again. Traffic was ridiculous.” “I’m sorry I was supposed to help at the bake sale. I totally forgot.”

We are told we need to cut everyone slack. And most people do. They may say, “It’s no big deal”, but often resentment is building inside.

We all tend to get annoyed at people that never follow through with plans. But, most of us are in denial about how much we do it.

You may be sabotaging relationships and work opportunities with flaking out.

If you flake out a lot and feel you are disappointing people all the time, you may want to see why.

• Are you saying yes to things you really want to say no, too? Then flaking out at the last minute to get out of it? Don’t say yes, if you are dreading doing it.
• Have you over-committed yourself time-wise so you can’t actually do all the things you said yes to?
• Or made agreements, while forgetting your self-care and energy needs?
• Are you really afraid or anxious and that is why you want to bail?
• Is there something you are hiding from or not admitting?

Keeping your commitments is a basis of trust in any relationship. Once you commit to something, make every effort to follow through.

It also means – make less commitments. If you flake often, you are probably making too many commitments. Be very mindful as you say yes.

How to Quit Flaking Out

• Don’t say yes immediately. Take time. Look at your calendar. Are you overbooked?
• Have rules about how many evenings you’ll be out, which events you never attend, what things you will typically say no to so you have policies to fall back on as you make decisions.
• Set up systems like alarms to remind you to do things. As soon as you say yes, put it in your calendar and ask if there is anything you need to do before it happens like order flowers or pick up the suit from the dry cleaners. If you say you are going to pick up the milk, write it down and have an alarm set so you will do it.
• Confirm plans the day before so it is less likely either one of you will flake.
• Leave at least 10 minutes early for everything.
• Before you make an excuse to someone, check in with yourself. How can you fulfill your obligation? Show others you are considerate of their time and feelings. Not feeling like it, being tired, or overbooking yourself are not great excuses.
• Don’t text or Facebook an excuse. Actually call if you absolutely have to miss. Technology has made it too easy to break commitments.
• When you make an appointment, go to the appointment. Business people are paid for whom they serve. If you don’t show up, they don’t get paid.
• Stay for a little bit rather than not show up at all.

People are counting on you to do what you say you will do. So respect other people’s time and don’t bail on plans or decide at the last minute you can’t do something. We all have distractions and opportunities that make easy excuses. Be the person who shows up and is dependable, not just when it’s convenient.

Want to get better with time and energy? Join the Change Your Relationship to Time class.

We all like to think we will be thinner, richer, connecting with friends, have a great family and spiritual life and a beautiful home in the future. We want to be attaining goals. But, when it comes to taking actions to get there our favorite phrase is, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

The problem is tomorrow becomes today and you end up in the same place you were yesterday. We don’t like to think of what we have to do that will take us where we want to go. For most changes there is regular action needed.

What if instead of thinking about your fantasy tomorrow, you thought about making the present better. You could be aware so you could make conscious choices that make you feel good about yourself and your life. Throughout the day you could ask what would make this moment better? Your better moments means each day gets a little better.

How would you make your breakfast time better? It can be as simple as breathing or praying before your meal. Or adding berries to your cereal. Or turning off the to list in your mind. At breakfast ask what you can do right now – not tomorrow. What feels easy and natural?

For me and writing this article, it looks like picking up and cuddling the cat for a minute instead of staying annoyed as he walks back and forth in front of the screen.

If you become aware of yourself eating snacks on the couch watching TV, what could you do in that particular moment? Could you portion out the rest of the snack, move into the kitchen, put the snack down and walk in place?

Being present and aware also helps you cement those habits, those daily actions that get you where you want to go. I read somewhere that discipline is remembering what you want.

Your present and what you do becomes your next today. What choices can you make right now that will bring you the today you want?

Join us in our New Habits course to help create sustainable habits to help you in attaining goals that make the conscious choices easier.

We all have habits that we automatically do throughout the day. Some are good like brushing our teeth. Some are not so good like zoning out in front of the TV with snacks.

When we realize there is a habit we want to change or create, initially we are very excited. We know how much our lives will improve.

Often when we are trying to create new habits, we get all drill sergeant. We set a strict schedule not to be veered from. The minute we don’t do our habit, we criticize, blame and tell ourselves it’s done now. All or nothing.

Convinced we are failures and can never create new habits, we give up. Until the next burst of energy for change appears.

Developing new habits takes time. It takes self-compassion as we navigate incorporating something new into our lives. It won’t be a linear process.

Even if it takes months to cement your habit, isn’t that better than never?

Never is what happens when you don’t allow yourself to fail. If mistakes can’t happen on your watch.

Is decluttering 4 instead of 7 days a week better than not at all?

Is exercising 1 day better than none?

Is doing your morning quiet time 80% of the time better than not doing it?

How can you be more self-compassionate as you create new habits?

If you need help developing new habits with a self-compassionate mind-set, we would love to have your join the 4 week Habits and Rhythms class.

You don’t need a big block of time to start simplifying creating a fulfilling life. You certainly don’t need to change everything at once. Below are changes you can do each week.

Tiny Change #1 : Go to bed ½ hour earlier and wake up ½ earlier than usual

Tiny Change #2 : Go to your favorite bookstore to pick out a journal and start writing

Tiny Change #3 : Read at least 15 minutes a day

Tiny Change #4 :Organize your junk drawer

Tiny Change #5 :Have a daily quiet time

Tiny Change #6 :Start an exercise program for 15 min. a day

Tiny Change #7 :Get together with a friend at least once a month

Tiny Change #8: Start a Debt Reduction Plan

Tiny Change #9: Write out an evening routine that will prepare you for the next day

Tiny Change #10: Have a weekly family night to play games, eat together, or do something fun as a family

Tiny Change #11: Take the last few minutes of the work day to straighten up and plan for the day ahead

Tiny Change #12: Do a random act of kindness

Tiny Change #13: Keep water at your desk with you to get your 8 glasses a day

Tiny Change #14:Write or input birthdays on a calendar, so you can let others know you care for them

Tiny Change #15: Visualize the day you want to have while taking your morning shower

Tiny Change #16: Remember to laugh: rent a comedy, get silly with friends, or read a funny book

Tiny Change #17: Write out a morning routine that includes personal time, household duties and family

Tiny Change #18: Surprise your significant other with a fun date. Plan regular together times.

Tiny Change #19: Do your most important priority at your peak energy time

Tiny Change #20: Enjoy nature- take a hike, sit on the beach, dance in the rain

Tiny Change #21: Whenever you feel yourself getting tense, slow down and breathe

Tiny Change #22: Make a plan to regularly call your parents, grandparents, siblings or others you consider family

Tiny Change #23: Subscribe to a magazine related to your work and schedule time to read it

Tiny Change #24: Forget the mistakes of yesterday, today is too important to miss

Tiny Change #26: Practice really listening to someone

Tiny Change #27: Take two minute breaks during your work day to breathe, walk, look out the window

Tiny Change #28: Sincerely compliment others

Tiny Change #29: Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night

Tiny Change #30: Resign from one committee, volunteer post, or duty you don’t really like

Tiny Change #31: Take time for your hobbies at least a few times a month

Tiny Change #32: Play a little every evening

Tiny Change #33: Set up a filing system for your mail: to do, finance, other family members, or to file

Tiny Change #34: Pack a lunch instead of eating fast food

Tiny Change #35: Memorize scripture, an inspirational quote, or a poem to give you a lift during the day

Tiny Change #36: Set up all your appointments for the doctor, dentist, hairstylist, etc. when you are at your appointment

Tiny Change #37: Plan to leave 10 minutes early for all your appointments

Tiny Change #38: Take a big vacation once a year, and mini weekend vacations throughout the year-even if you are just staying
home

Tiny Change #39: Go through your clothes and give away what you don’t need, want or fit into

Tiny Change #40: Make sure your work chair and desk are ergonomically correct

Tiny Change #41: Quit lying and making excuses to yourself

Tiny Change # 42: Stretch daily

Tiny Change # 43: When someone asks you how you are doing say, “Fantastic”, not “Really busy.”

Tiny Change # 44: Focus attention on a special person, really connect with them

Tiny Change # 45: Ask someone for help

Tiny Change # 46: Nurture a child

Tiny Change # 47: Make a list of 100 things you are thankful for

Tiny Change # 48: Write a letter of appreciation to your significant other or a friend

Tiny Change # 49: Do one thing you have been procrastinating on

Tiny Change # 50: Take time each evening to let go and to forgive

Tiny Change # 51: Use music to energize you or relax you

Tiny Change # 52: Focus on one project to complete this week

I’ve been on a journey to surrender more, at the same time I think we all have more choices than we think. I don’t want to feel helpless. That’s the balance isn’t it? I was meditating on this idea today.

Surrendering to what is, the reality, is so important. To not resist what is happening with thoughts like, “I wish it was [different].” “If only…” “They should be [this way].” Complaining is a big clue that we are not surrendering.

We usually resist when our expectation of how something should be or how someone should behave is not met. These are often based on beliefs we didn’t realize we had.

Energy is sucked away in the resistance. “It’s not fair!” “I hate this!” “Why, me?”

We change our energy, when we accept what is happening. We surrender to the flow. We allow people to be who they are. We have compassion for what is.

At the same time that we surrender to what is going on we can also notice what choices we have at the moment. We can choose our attitude. We can choose to act from our values and love even if we don’t like what is happening. We can choose what we think might improve the current situation instead of wishing it away.

That is where the power is – the present moment. If you spend your time resisting, you drain your power to change what you can.

We can surrender without floating into helplessness. There is the freedom of choice in every situation. We can act from that choice or we can ride the wave of worry & negativity.

We aren’t in control of the flow of life as much as we’d like to. But, we are in control of our choices.

Where do you feel stress, tension, worry or what are complaining about? What are you resisting? How can you surrender?

Now what is the next choice you can make?

A new year. A fresh start. Optimism at the possibilities. Fear of knowing the self-sabotage of the past.

As we check-in with ourselves and notice changes we want to make, it’s helpful to be clear of what’s in your control.

How much of your time and energy do you spend worrying and ruminating on things not in your control – other’s actions, what people may think about you, past events, or other’s drama.

All this takes time and energy away from things in your control like your actions, your thoughts, your attitude and what you consume.

We tend to think we have some sort of control when we are complaining and worrying. It’s comfortable. We get the sense we are doing something. We post on Facebook about what horrible thing this political leader did. Or gossip about a co-worker. Or we toss and turn in the middle of the night about what are adult children may or may not be doing.

Things we do control we spend less time on, after all, they are harder. It’s easier to whine about things not in our control than it is to do the actual work of changing.

Say you want to declutter – you can complain about not getting help or that you have too small of a house. It’s easier to list off all the reasons you can’t declutter. Taking action will require you to make a plan, implement the plan and then if you don’t implement the plan – figure out why.

It’s in your control to set a time aside to declutter. It’s in your control to decide to use the declutter calendar or a different plan. It’s in your control when that reminder pops up that you declutter. It’s in your control to inquire of yourself if it didn’t happen.

But, that can be scary because in the past asking yourself why you didn’t declutter meant a lot of berating yourself over lack of willpower or how unorganized and scattered you are. Instead, how would it feel to ask yourself why you didn’t declutter in a self-compassionate way. You are curious and looking for feedback. You are trying to find out what is helpful and beating yourself up isn’t. You are digging down to get the truth, not your surface excuses.

Then you make a new plan for the next day that deals with this truth. Maybe you get support, maybe you read a how-to, or maybe you allow your feelings to be expressed.

You control whether you try something else or give up when things aren’t perfect.

You also control how much you take on at one time. Especially at the new year we want instant transformation. We want all our changes done at once. But, we know that is not how life works. We don’t have the time or energy for that.

Questions for Change

So what will your 1-4 projects be for now?

How can you make your life slightly better that is in your control?

What do you need to surrender and let go of so you have more time and energy?

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Photo by Torne

Too often when we plan the new year we are focusing on what we want, what we need, what we want more of. But, most of us could use some letting go.

What are you willing to let go of this year?

• trying to keep control
• judging yourself and others
• being inauthentic
• staying distracted by media
• resisting what is
• some possessions
• old anger and grudges
• manipulating others perceptions of you
• old ways of seeing yourself
• avoiding uncomfortable feelings
• things that constrict your life
• unhelpful patterns and beliefs
• things that weigh you down or keep you stuck
• bitterness
• blame

How free would you feel in the year to come if you let go of even one of the above? What are you letting go of?

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Need help with your annual planning? I have a Simple Annual Plan.

Photo by Neville Wootton