How many times during a day do you say, “Not again, this always happens.”? You can’t find your keys, you are late for work, the water overflowed, or you are out of toothpaste.

If a problem continuously happens, it’s probably time to do something about it, don’t you think? Complaining about the same thing over and over, but not fixing the problem doesn’t help.

Most of the time we put up with problems even though they consistently irritate us. Why? We think we have too much to do. We don’t take the time to stop, think things through and come up with a solution.

1. Name your problem

What problem keeps coming up for you?

2. Look at your current procedure

Are you late because you go to bed late, wake up late, and then do too many things right before leaving?

Do you lose keys because you don’t have a specific place for them or a habit to put them there so you throw them wherever you end up first?

Do you run out of things regularly because you don’t have an errand day or a shopping list put up?

3. Is there any way to tweak your procedure?

Can you research online for how to get your kids to listen better?

Can you create a habit to help you remember nice things about your hubby instead of criticisms?

Can you make a routine to back up your computer every Friday so you don’t lose files?

4. Try out your new procedure for 2 weeks-a month

Put a note in your calendar to review your procedure. What’s working? What isn’t? Is there any more research your need to do? Is there anyone to ask about this problem?

5. Keep tweaking until the problem is solved to your satisfaction

Too many people give up after one try at something, figuring nothing will work and they will have to keep putting up with this problem. Keep at it. Do you know how many different solutions there are to all kinds of problems?

As you go through your week, think about which recurring problems come up. Print out this Problem Solving Plan and play with one of the problems:

Problem Solving Plan

Of course, some problems can be solved without a whole plan. Just noticing the problem can make a difference.

My 94-year old, go-getter Grandma was in the hospital recently. When she got out, I called to say we were coming for a visit. Since we were coming about lunchtime, I asked if she wanted us to wait until she ate lunch at the retirement place or to go out. She practically shouted, “Go out!” I ask Mom if that was OK and she said Grandma had already been out multiple times.

It was a week after she got out the hospital that we came into town.  As she was getting out of the car and needing help, she complained that she was moving so slowly after the hospital stay. I laughed and told her to give herself time to recover.

We don’t like how long many things take. We start shoulding quickly.

I should be better from this illness.

I should be over this breakup.

I should have stopped grieving by now.

Or shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t need these many breaks.

I shouldn’t need so much sleep.

I shouldn’t need this much downtime to recover from an event.

I think part of the reason so many people are overwhelmed, tired and cranky is they don’t allow themselves adequate recovery time. We tend to want to hurry the process. We stuff down feelings and fatigue. We honor ourselves for “pushing through.” We read up on the average recovery for surgery and even though we aren’t fully better we go full throttle.

We need to honor the time it takes for us as unique individuals. Introverts tend to need more alone time. Highly sensitive people need more quiet. Certain people need more fun in their lives to retain joy. Emotions need to be felt by everyone.

What if you planned twice as much downtime as you think you should need? Or planned just three evenings away from home instead of every evening?

The only way to truly know what you need is to pay attention. What are you feeling? Are there still some emotions that need cared for? What are your energy levels? If you can’t push ahead without a caffeine burst that lets you know you need to slow down – maybe walk in nature instead. Or read a book for a few minutes. Step away from the technology.

Most of us don’t like requiring recovery time, especially when it lasts longer than we think it should.  But, we become more energetic, loving and creative when we allow that time.

What are you trying to push through or push past right now? What is one way you can give yourself that time?

***

If you need help changing your mindset with time, join my Change Your Relationship to Time class.

I got really tired of myself. I spent much of March in the land of hard. “There’s too much work to do.” “Not another migraine.” “Winter is too, too long. When will it end?” “No fresh fruit at the store.”

I only saw the hard. I was getting more tired and more cranky as the month went on, leading to a hormonal melt-down at the beginning of this month.

Completely sick of the whining, I forced myself to stop, look around and see. I went outside to see the swans. Opening the window was cold, but different. I felt grateful I can work from home. I am loving practicing for the play even if it means less time.

Focusing on the hard made me pleasure deprived. There was no reason to work in silence when music made me feel good. Freshly baked garlic bread tastes much better at the kitchen table than in front of the TV. I noticed I had stopped massaging lavender lotion on my feet before bed. Instead of looking at ways that I could feel better, it was like I was shutting down any ways that do perk me up. As if I wanted to be miserable. Ugh!

So this week there has been music, rest, reading, lotion, and walking in the rain. Even tiny bits of time can turn things around. Asking the question, “How can I make what I am doing right now more fun or more pleasurable?” can lead to insights.

Notice what is already around you.

When we are trying a new habit and it doesn’t work or doing a project that gets stuck or regretting a binge session with potato chips in front of the TV, we tend to harden. We berate ourselves with, “I could do this if I had more willpower”, “I am so lazy” or “I am fat and unlovable.” Our bodies become tight. Our breathing more shallow.

We buckle down and try harder. Our inner task master takes charge. Work, work, work. Try, try, try.

Sometimes we get the results we want. Sometimes we don’t.

What if we tried softening into our problems?

We would notice what isn’t working and de-personalize it. We would realize it is the process that is wrong, not the person.

We could have self-compassion, “I really wanted this new habit to stick and am disappointed it isn’t. Thankfully there are plenty of other options for change.” “Getting stuck in a project is hard. In the midst I am learning to love myself and love my project.” “Something must have really upset me to go into the binge. It’s OK sweetie.” Feel your heart soften. Breathe more slowly and deeply.

Then you bring in your creativity. If what you are doing isn’t working, what are 10 other ways to do it? If you were looking at this problem through the eyes of love, what would you do? If nothing is coming, ask a friend, coach, or do a little research.

I did this the other day. The time change was making me so tired. My body hadn’t acclimated yet. I needed to make yogurt for my morning smoothies, but every evening for a week I would say I am too tired. Then tell myself how lazy I was because I didn’t do it. Until I realized what I was doing.

The next evening I said, “I am tired because of the time change. I need to be gentle with myself until I re-calibrate. How about I try doing it in the morning?”

I made the yogurt in the morning and it felt so easy.

This was a simple problem, but softening helps with even complicated problems. Hardening only makes the difficult feel harder.

What problem would you like to soften into today?

***

Photo by Clyde Robinson

This is the time of year many are planning, decluttering, deciding to lose weight and really be productive. We want schedules to keep us in line. Maybe a new app (I am enjoying Google Keep). We want to make our x’s in a chain of never missing a day of our new habit.

We think if we just stop being lazy we could have all our goals met. But, laziness isn’t the real monster. The real monster is…

Perfectionism

Perfectionism is alive and well now. It will keep you locked in planning rather than doing because if you do, you might not do it perfectly. It searches out the perfect system to control your life. The minute the schedule falls apart – so do you. It makes you go around in circles wondering what the right thing to do next is or where to start.

Start anywhere. Do a shoddy job. See what happens. Use that feedback to do better.

If you miss a day (like in the Declutter Calendar), see how to make it easier and more likely you will follow through the next day. Don’t use it to give up.

If your goal is so big it is overwhelming, break it down. Then break it down again. Then break it down again until there is almost no resistance. The main resistance will be the perfectionism saying you aren’t doing enough. Tell yourself doing something is better than doing nothing.

Let yourself do just enough. How many times have you forced yourself to go over something so it’s perfect that meant very little in the big picture of your life?

Where is perfectionism blocking you? What haven’t you completed because of perfectionism? Where has the pursuit of perfectionism held back your authenticity?

It’s more important to have good character, to begin things and complete things and to be resilient when things don’t happen as we wish than to be perfect (which is impossible anyway).

How can you be kind to yourself this year and be resilient with the challenges that come your way?

***

Having a group with you is also a great way to achieve goals. You can see how imperfect we all are but make progress anyway. If you are wanting to declutter this year, you can join the Declutter Group.

Everyone is feeling the nastiness of post election right now. Some are angry and terrified. Some are being blasted for who they voted for or for going 3rd party. Some are called hateful words in the name of love. We cannot heal when people are lashing out and shaming from their own lack of peace and from fear that rose. We all need to bring our best selves to this world.

Here are some ways to add peace to your day:

• Turn off social media completely or scroll by stuff you know will trigger you.
• Stay away from the news (which is most likely just reporting half truths anyway).
• Spend each morning in prayer, meditation, or journaling for a longer time than usual.
• Process your emotions rather than spewing them on others.
• Listen to music that helps you process emotions and/or makes you hopeful or calmer.
• Get out into nature and take a walk.
• Be your higher, kinder self in all interactions.
• Take 10 deep breaths before responding.
• Surround yourself with more silence. Turn off the radio in the car. Don’t have the TV on as background noise.
• Dance and sing.
• Turn off the computer, TV and phone three hours before bed for a week.
• Stretch – take note of your jaw, shoulders and neck.
• Browse a bookstore.
• Play with a pet.
• Read an easy book that you can immerse yourself in. Maybe a book from your childhood.
• Blow bubbles.
• Notice things in your current season. Fall in Michigan is beautiful. We made roasted pumpkin seeds last night.
• Think about what makes us all similar as humans – worry over work, wanting our kids to have a better life, longing to belong, longing for love and kindness.
• Create a collage.
• Volunteer.

Peace within, peace without. Isn’t that what they say? How can you create more peace within this week?

You know a great way to simplify your life? Quit hovering.

My husband and I were in Pictured Rocks in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan on a boat. It was a little chilly, but beautiful scenery. We were enjoying the quiet and the nature.

Until behind me a high, nasally voice asked her husband, “Are you cold?” He said, “No.” She continued to ask, “Are you sure?” Over and over.

She fiddled with whether they should change places numerous times and if he was using the right lens to take the pictures. She asked him if he was cold, hungry, comfortable, if he wanted to go downstairs or if he needed anything. Every time he said no, she asked, “Are you sure?” Multiple times.

This was an adult man in his 50’s, not a 5-year old.

I was exhausted just listening to it all. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have my spouse constantly checking in with me and then not believing me. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be constantly in someone else’s space and head to make sure they are o.k.

Sometimes in the name of love, we over-step. We hover. We helicopter. Not only can it be annoying, but we are taking some of their power away. An adult male can fix a peanut butter and jelly while you are out of town without you filling the fridge. A teenager can turn in their homework or face the consequences. However, they won’t grow in responsibility if you call the teachers and make excuses or spend all evening nagging.

The hovering tends to be about us. We have to make sure everything is good or we think we are a bad spouse, parent or host. Or worry other people will think that. Other people are other people. You are your own person. You can only control yourself. If you are trying to control other people’s experiences and emotions – that is called manipulation.

Go ahead and ask once, if you think someone is uncomfortable. But, don’t ask again and again.

Where have you been hovering? Where have you been trying to control other’s experiences and emotions? Where do you need to let someone regain their own power?

My daughter and I were at the Farmer’s Market and found some lovely looking mushroom noodle soup at the homemade pasta place. We thought it would be nice to have it ready for lunch so we put it in the crockpot. The smell of that soup was so enticing.

At lunch time we had our bowls and couldn’t wait to dig in. As I scooped it into the bowls I noticed that the fresh pasta was now a gooey-bread batter consistency. We tried it anyway. The noodles were gaggable and I didn’t like the spices at all. My daughter wasn’t impressed either.

This is not our first kitchen idea that didn’t work out, but we are always trying new things anyway.

We do the same thing at restaurants. We always order something new and if it’s something we haven’t tried before that’s even better. (Except at Subway. She gets tuna and I get sweet onion teriyaki chicken. But we tried a lot before we found our favorites.)

Our job is not to go through life making no mistakes. If we are to live a full, alive life then it’s a guarantee we will make mistakes. We want to be experiencing and learning on this earth.

If we only did what we were completely good at we would never try new things. We would be doing the same thing day after day in fear of screwing up and maybe looking badly.

Where are you afraid of making a mistake? What is something you’d like to try if you wouldn’t feel foolish? How can you expand this life of yours?

***

Pix from Cook Diary which has some delicious looking soup: http://cookdiary.net/creamy-mushroom-soup/

If you can’t make a certain decision, it might be time to check in with possible perfectionism.

Even decisions like what flooring, what refrigerator, or what days to plan the vacation can take months or even years.

What if the decision is wrong? What if you don’t like it? What if you are exposed as a nincompoop who makes bad decisions?

It’s perfectionism shouting, “Hi!”

Most decisions aren’t permanent. Even things like jobs – if you picked the wrong one, there are other ones. Even if it’s difficult, changing decisions is usually possible in the future. Most people don’t make the right decision every time. The thing is, you don’t know if a decision is right until you make it. You don’t get feedback until you choose.

Think of decisions more like experiments. “Will this job work with my personality, goals and skills?” “Will I enjoy living with the purple wall?” “What happens if I decide to take a vacation in two months?”

You choose and then you are closer to knowing yourself and your values.

If you don’t allow yourself to make any choosing mistakes because of perfectionism, it is going to be so hard to make any decisions. Even decisions that should be simple – like what to wear in the morning. Or what to have for breakfast. Those little decisions get fueled with worry about getting it wrong.

Get curious about your choice. Get excited that you have the opportunity to make choices many people would love to have. Release the need to get it perfect.

What decision are you holding back on making? What experiment are you willing to do?

***

Pix by Dita Margarita

I have friends, clients and acquaintances moving through new changes – moving, empty nest, new job, chronic illness. Our lives our filled with transitions, but we don’t normally pace ourselves through them. We want to be settled again right away, so we hurry up –  settling for where we land.

The uncertainty can be scary. Not knowing where we are in this new phase of our lives can be difficult. Most of us also don’t want to feel the emotions that always come up during transitions.

The last child leaves home. Instead of feeling the pain, sorry and hope, a mom quickly looks to fill the space with volunteering, a new pet or working longer hours. Does she really want to do these things? Who knows? But, at least she isn’t feeling anything.

What if you felt the feelings of transition? Letting them flow through you. Healing rather than locked up in the body.

Then listened to your soul. What would you hear? Perhaps a walk on the beach. Or calling a friend you haven’t seen in awhile. Maybe it’s time to write that book you had in you. Or maybe your soul is calling you to rest.

When you slow down during change you can find out what you want and what is best for your family. You become a deliberate creator in your next step. You can add and subtract things from that deep place of knowing. A place that feels more like you than grabbing things to keep busy and looking settled. You can come up with a new edition of your life slowly, with patience, feeling and intention.

Society may tell us we need to have everything figured out immediately. But, it’s kinder to move slower through the process. Listening, trying something, listening again.

Make your transitions times of the soul. Seeking what is next. Bless you on your journey.

****

Pix from Sean and Lauren