I really didn’t want to go to the improv yesterday. We had gotten tickets before Jon’s death because we knew he would love it and might even do some audience participation. I had cried all through church and after church and the last thing I wanted to do was go someplace where everyone was laughing. But, my daughter had been anticipating fun at the improv.

So I went with my daughter and mother-in-law and 2 of her friends. And I laughed. A lot.

I am finding you can feel two things at once. I have a layer of sadness over everything right now, but I can still feel joy. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I first noticed this as I saw a vibrant purple sunset on my way to the funeral home.

I have felt healing and joy in my nature walks with my daughter. And when Jeff, Brea and I hiked up to an observation deck to see the Perigree Moon rise in the east, bright orange and huge.


I feel joy in memories and pictures. And in the care of others.

It’s the times of joy that get you through the times of darkness. And I don’t intend to hide from either.

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  • Marcia Francois

    Beautiful post, Beth. I found the same with the infertility (although it in no way compares) that there was this layer of sadness with everything.

    I’m also sensing the writing about it will also start to bring healing.

  • Irene

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It puts a new prospective on things for me. Blessings and warm memories.

  • Shelley

    Praying God continues to bring you these moments of joy to help you in your dark times.

  • Lisa

    I just learned of the loss of your son. I want to send you the warmth of an embrace as you grieve your loss.
    It is amazing when one is able to laugh despite the enormous heartache you hold.

    I’m not sure if you remember me at all.. I went by the nickname “Merismom” on the FAM site. I lost my husband Jan of 2002.
    While I understand the grief, each of us grieves differently. May you smile at memories through your tears, may you be comforted by visits in your dreams and may God hold you close in the times you feel you can’t hold the sadness any longer.

    We are all still around on the forum as I’m sure you know through Doreen.

    God bless you and your family.

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