I wasn’t even going to walk the wetlands. I had woken from a nap after another migraine hit. Daily for the past two weeks.
But, my inner voice said to go. The wetlands were cool, sunny and green. And loud. The red-wing blackbirds, robins and little yellow birds were tweeting. The frogs were making their deep trombone noise. Even the swan made a long, low call I hadn’t heard before.
When a mom and her boy walked by, I couldn’t get out hi. My voice was soft and could barely be heard so I waved instead. The boy happily shouted, “She’s waving!”
Why couldn’t I speak? Where in my life wasn’t I speaking?
I hadn’t expressed or sat with feelings around Mother’s Day. First without my Mom, 7 without my son and my cousin 10 years younger than me died that same week. It was unexpected and he was a sweet, gentle, funny soul.
My voice refused to sing two songs at choir Mother’s Day morning.
I didn’t want to sit with any of the losses, but sit I did. On the couch with my ice pack on my head. But, I wasn’t processing a thing.
I wanted to go to the funeral in St. Louis the weekend after, but the migraine kept going. I even got a shot from the doctor.
Finally, I spoke to a friend over lunch during that 8-hour break from pain the shot gave me. And the migraine still came back. I was mad at myself, my body, my migraine. Everything was betraying me.
I was alone Friday night and read various books on healing. I did the Calm Body Meditation by Sandy Newbigging. He was saying many health and other problems were due to your conflict with what is. Your resistance.
I was so tight. I was resisting everything. I had to say I was willing to have my migraine. I was willing to have the feelings of sorrow. I was willing not to do what I want and drive 5 hours in the car.
As I let go of resistance, my body felt freer, looser.
I woke up with a migraine again on Saturday morning, but I did some Calm Meditation and being with things. It went away until evening. Instead of pushing through to do stuff with my migraine, I allowed myself to take a nap which it seemed my body wanted to do.
An hour later I was up enjoying nature and the sound of birds.
A reminder to listen to that inner knowing, notice what I am resisting and express what I am feeling.