I see this a lot with clients. They are doing new habits, working on projects or doing the organizing. Then one day, boom, they are too tired to do anything. They complain about some sort of drama in their life or problem that is bringing them down. All their energy has been torpedoed into that difficulty. They are thinking about it non-stop.

But, it’s usually not the problem that is destroying the energy. It’s the ruminating about the issue but not sitting down to feel it. All that angst in the mind protects them from actually feeling the feelings.

The emotions are just under the surface draining away energy. Tightness stops the flow of breath. Whole days can be wasted in this “almost feeling” state.

If you allow yourself to feel those feelings though, you’ll find it doesn’t take that long to process. You can meditate on the feelings, draw, dance, journal, or talk with someone you allow them to move through the body. This frees up your energy again. (Read this post on stopping an emotional spiral.)

The feelings themselves flow pretty quickly, but it’s the story about what happened that keeps you stuck. Stay in the body and heart and out of the head when you are feeling the feelings. Your mind will keep you in, “Woe is me.”

Once you feel the feelings you will be better able to manage the problem. Then you will have more energy to make the changes you want to make.

When we are trying a new habit and it doesn’t work or doing a project that gets stuck or regretting a binge session with potato chips in front of the TV, we tend to harden. We berate ourselves with, “I could do this if I had more willpower”, “I am so lazy” or “I am fat and unlovable.” Our bodies become tight. Our breathing more shallow.

We buckle down and try harder. Our inner task master takes charge. Work, work, work. Try, try, try.

Sometimes we get the results we want. Sometimes we don’t.

What if we tried softening into our problems?

We would notice what isn’t working and de-personalize it. We would realize it is the process that is wrong, not the person.

We could have self-compassion, “I really wanted this new habit to stick and am disappointed it isn’t. Thankfully there are plenty of other options for change.” “Getting stuck in a project is hard. In the midst I am learning to love myself and love my project.” “Something must have really upset me to go into the binge. It’s OK sweetie.” Feel your heart soften. Breathe more slowly and deeply.

Then you bring in your creativity. If what you are doing isn’t working, what are 10 other ways to do it? If you were looking at this problem through the eyes of love, what would you do? If nothing is coming, ask a friend, coach, or do a little research.

I did this the other day. The time change was making me so tired. My body hadn’t acclimated yet. I needed to make yogurt for my morning smoothies, but every evening for a week I would say I am too tired. Then tell myself how lazy I was because I didn’t do it. Until I realized what I was doing.

The next evening I said, “I am tired because of the time change. I need to be gentle with myself until I re-calibrate. How about I try doing it in the morning?”

I made the yogurt in the morning and it felt so easy.

This was a simple problem, but softening helps with even complicated problems. Hardening only makes the difficult feel harder.

What problem would you like to soften into today?

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Photo by Clyde Robinson