So many of us want to be perceived as “having it all together”. There are Instagram challenges to help you get it all together. People get uncomfortable if their friends see a mess in their home. We hold on so tightly in order to look like we have it all together that it’s hard to relax.
I have found in my decades of coaching and leading declutter and other groups that no one has it all together. AND it’s not even a worthy goal to have.
Having it all together is about control. Controlling life. Controlling how other people see you. Controlling the uncontrollable. You think if you have it all together you’ll finally feel safe enough and good enough.
Social media, in general, gives us more and more results to strive for and higher standards to keep up with. (I’m supposed to shave the fine hairs on my face now? Really?)
I remember growing up and my friend’s Mom would always have people over. She didn’t clean up special or put away her packages from her tupperware business that took over her living room. Her and her friends would sit at the kitchen table, playing yatzee or other games and talk.
That was how it was. Friends dropped in. No one cared what the house looked like. You would be welcomed anyway. Kids would roam from house to house to play, get lemonade, or swing from the porch swing. No one expected perfect houses or Moms that had everything together. Least of all the Mom.
The idea of having it all together is keeping us separate. Hosting has gone down under the pressure to perform Instagram worthy parties. Stopping by unannounced has become more taboo than talking about your salary with strangers. A wall in conversations has been built where no one wants to talk about their struggles and failings.
Vulnerability leads to closeness. When I do a declutter group, there is a collective sigh of relief – “Oh you have piles of stuff too.” “Oh, you are also way behind on paperwork?”
Think about your friendships. Do you feel more relaxed around the people who seem to have it all together, or people that come as they are, admit their mistakes and don’t pretend to be perfect?
We are all human. The amount of control it takes to try to pretend you always know what you’re doing is exhausting. It’s not even possible to have it all together.
You can have systems that make life run smoother, but life will life. People will get sick. The car will break down. You’ll have times when work takes over.
Right now, my desk and piano bench are a mess of papers, medical bills and ironically my cleaning checklist. Again. I have piles of shoes next to the shoe holder rather than in the shoe holder. I was supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday, but never got around to it. Now I have to try to fit it in today.
I understand that my home will never, ever, ever, ever be perfect. I can do what I can and that can be enough. Especially now with my 5-year old grandson home from school for the summer and my husband home on medical leave til they figure out what is wrong with him plus all his appointments.
I prefer to put my energy towards loving the people I love, doing the things that are important in this time of my life, moving my body, and being in nature.
My life will run good enough. I can laugh with a friend on our walks about the mess of life. I can admit my struggle of trusting in the midst of the unknown. And can be supported and I can support back with their struggles.
Think about your life right now. Where is one area of your life, where having it all together has become extremely energy draining? Where would your energy rather go to? Can you be present in your life as it comes? Can you let your humanity show, giving someone else permission as well?
Write down what happens. I think you will be surprised.
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